“Hearken not,” warned the messenger, “if there are secrets you would rather leave unspoken. For the text is dense and full of spoilers.”
King Donald Lannister, First of his Name, proclaimed today that Hodor, a stable tender from the North, would serve from this day until his last day as the kingdom’s Master of Coin, treasurer of all Westeros. His appointment raised questions amongst the King’s Landing Society of Bards, but King Donald invited them all to the Red Keep to introduce the new Master and assuage their fears.
“Listen well, and believe every word,” the King began, “Hodor is a man of talents beyond belief. Beyond belief. The finest shoveler of manure in all the Seven Kingdoms. None greater, so say I. And just as he brushes the burrs and flies from the hides of his noble animals, so too shall he brush away greed and corruption. Just as he stacks new bales of straw each day, so too shall he spin that straw into gold for our great land. My son, Prince Barron, is an exceptional rider of all horses.”
After several more such remarks about his family, and many complaints about the size of the crowd at his coronation, the King spread his hands, inviting questions from the visiting bards. He refused to answer the first question, regarding rumors that the mines beneath his home of Casterly Rock had run dry. He then bristled at the suggestion that he remained in debt to the Iron Bank of Braavos. And when an especially reckless bard questioned his affections for his daughter Ivanka, the King gestured to the dozen Goldcloaks at the back of the hall, who promptly drew steel, hacked the bards into pieces, and cast their scattered remains into Blackwater Bay.
The one bard to escape the carnage later sent a raven to Hodor himself, asking his opinion on the massacre. A short while later, another raven came in reply, bearing a message that read simply, “Hodor.”
Master Hodor joins other controversial appointees on the Small Council, including 13-year-old Robin Arryn as Master of War, notorious torturer Ramsey Bolton as Master of Health, and former Warden of the North Eddard Stark as Master of People With Heads.