In a tense interview on NBC’s Meet the Press, Trump spokeswoman Kellyanne Conway announced the discontinuation of all traditional emails and press conferences from the White House to the national news media, explaining that all future press releases would be sent out by “Alternative Fax.”
Expanding on one of President Trump’s previous statements, the new White House Alternative Fax system consists of marathon runner and Trump supporter Phil Dippedes, who reports to the White House “at least once every couple of months,” Conway promised. Upon his arrival, White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer personally shaves Dippedes’ head, tattooing the encrypted press releases into the back of the messenger’s skull. After waiting for Dippedes’ hair to grow back, Spicer then dispatches him on a cross-country run, bypassing CNN’s headquarters in Atlanta before continuing toward their satellite office in Los Angeles, then making his way to other news stations from there.
“Of course,” Conway continued, “he doesn’t run the whole way. Or all the time. Guy’s gotta rest. Sometimes he gets a little sidetracked. He’ll get there.” Asked if Trump would rely on Dippedes to deliver messages to Fox News or Breitbart, Conway answered, “Of course not. Steve B’s right down the hall.”
As of press time, and long after the proposal, passage, signing and implementation of several controversial bills, Dippedes arrived at our front desk, panting, sweating, and demanding rest and food. When our staff later shaved his head, read the message, and decrypted it from what was eventually determined to Caesar’s Cipher, the message was found to read, “PRESS SUX BIGLY HA HA SIGNED THE DONALD.”