WASHINGTON, D.C. — By order of a federal judge, the Cleveland School District in the State of Mississippi must desegregate their middle and high school students, and Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas told an audience at a prayer breakfast it “proves racism doesn’t exist anymore.”
“Some on the left,” Justice Thomas said, “will tell you that since the school board fought against the Brown vs. Board of Education decision for over sixty years that proves that not only is racism alive and well, but that some are still willing to fight tooth and nail to protect racist policies, such as segregating schools.” Thomas drew a deep breath, “But to me, this shows without a shadow of a doubt that racism is dead. It proves racism doesn’t exist anymore.”
Thomas explained that “if racism were still a thing” the Cleveland School District would still be segregated, but that since it’s not anymore, racism is “clearly over.”
“It’s pretty simple to see,” Thomas said, “as long as you ignore all the other instances of institutionalized racism that we conservatives have been denying exists for a long, long time, of course. Sure, the whole time we’ve been claiming that racism is dead in America, school districts like Cleveland have been literally still fighting the progress we made on race relations in the civil rights era, but does that really mean racism still exists?”
During the press conference, Thomas’ cell phone rang and he answered it.
“Hey Donald Sterling, totally not racist former-owner of the Los Angeles Clippers,” Thomas said, “how are you? Oh, nothin’, just telling a bunch of conservatives how dead racism is now that a school district has finally lost its 62-year fight against racial desegregation. Okay, I’ll call you back later. Yeah, you keep that wife of yours away from black players, for non-racist reasons of course! Toodles, Donnie!”
Thomas’ phone rang again.
“Oh, hey Donald Trump,” Thomas said, “can I call you back? I’m giving a speech on the end of American racism. Oh, you’re going to be busy demagogueing Mexicans? Hmm. Well, we’ll catch up for brunch next weeks, smell ya later!”
As he was finishing his speech, a person in attendance raised his hand. He asked Justice Thomas if he feels that he would have been able to rise to the heights that he has without Affirmative Action and other government-backed measures that forced Americans to confront the fact that racism is usually not overt, but very subtle, and many times codified into law or accepted into common practices without much thought. Thomas stopped, and thought for a moment.
“No, probably not,” Justice Thomas answered, “but that was, like, way different. Because it was me, sure, but also because it was so long ago. I mean, we’re talking like 40 years or more. And yes, the Cleveland School District has been fighting giving kids with the same skin color as me the education that white kids get for even longer, but does that mean racism exists, will always exist, and therefore we need to be just as vigilant for it, and even still keep policies in place that help mitigate it?”
“Of course not,” Thomas said laughing, “don’t be a silly liberal dependent on facts and history. Go with your gut, and the version of history that right-wingers tell us our government educations deny us. Let’s kick out the ladder I climbed to success, because reasons and liberty and Constitution and stuff.”