HEAVEN, ETERNITY — “If you think I give a shit about ‘states’ rights,’ you don’t know Jack about Jesus.” Jesus Hubert Christ was sipping his latte and enjoying a performance of a Beethoven piece played by Kurt Cobain, John Lennon, Keith Moon and Cliff Burton when reporters caught up with the Son of God to ask him some questions about the struggle for LGBT equality going on in the United States currently. There are at least three declared Republican candidates for the 2016 presidential election that swear a firm allegiance to Christ’s teachings and that also heavily advocate for laws keeping gay, lesbian and transgender Americans from the right to marry, right to adopt, right to inherit property, and essentially every major civil liberty that heterosexuals enjoy.
“Of course I don’t care about states’ rights, the U.S. wasn’t even a thing the last time I was down there; I know nothing and couldn’t care less about constitutional law. What I do know is what I told all you guys when I was down there…be nice to each other. That’s it. Just be nice to each other. You can boil down my philosophy into its utmost simple meaning that way — just be fucking half-way decent to each other.” Christ told the reporters that he “wasn’t joking around about that whole Agape Love thing” and that “if you think I was horsing around when I mentioned treating the lowest among you as you would the most rich and powerful, you are cray.”
Jesus told the press that he wasn’t even alive when the constitution was a “figment of a figment of a figment of someone’s imagination” and that “all these religious right dudes are completely missing the entire point of why I went down there in the first damn place.”
“When I hear someone like Ben Carson, Dicky Santorum or Mike Huckabee insisting that the Bible’s traditions on marriage must be respected,” Jesus said, “I can’t help but laugh my heavenly balls off. I mean, the institution of marriage changed its definition within the Bible itself! What kind of uneducated morons don’t know that? What, did they only go to a Bible college and not learn actual human history? It boggles my mind. The fact that polygamy is illegal means that you Americans have already jiggered with what marriage was in my day, so chill the fuck out on that kind of rhetoric, know what I mean,” Christ asked rhetorically.
Jesus reminded reporters that he “busted [his] hump around the Middle East surrounded by twelve dudes and we all professed a mutual love of one another” and that “if anything, that sounds like [he] was pretty okay with man-on-man love in the first place.” The Lord and Savior also stated that he doesn’t “get why these guys can’t stop focusing on butt sex for two seconds to take care of the poor and sick like I damn well told them they needed to.”
“Look, if my pops would let me, I’d kick their oligarchic, money worshiping, homophobic asses out of the faith. I was the one who went ape-shit in a temple over money changers, remember? But I really do also believe in grace and understanding…so I’m trying to be gracious and understanding and not just go the hell off on them,” Jesus told the media. “I’ve pretty much had it up to here with them using my name to bash gay people or transgender people. It’s funny, I don’t remember ever telling a single person that if they’re gay or they want to change their gender they can’t get into heaven. I do remember telling people that if you think being rich means shit to me or Pops you’re out of your mind and probably going to Hell, but yeah, not a single word uttered about gay dudes burning in hell.”
One reporter asked Jesus if he thinks that people like Santorum and Huckabee give groups like the Westboro Baptist Church encouragement. “Of course they do,” said Jesus. “They see high-powered politicians saying horrible, nonsensical things, so they feel empowered to carry around signs saying my dad and I ‘hate fags.’ Anyone with half a brain cell could figure out my dad and I actually don’t hate anyone. Though, I’m starting to develop something that feels an awful lot like it for people who take my message of universal love and twist it into a legal cudgel to bludgeon gay people. I wouldn’t call it hate,” Jesus said, “but man they make me want to go all money changer on their asses, that’s for sure.”
“My advice to people like that would be for them to read their Bibles again. They should focus on what I actually talked most about. Helping the poor. Feeding the hungry. Healing the sick,” Christ said as he was getting ready for his 2 o’clock nap. “If they think for two seconds I’m going to deny someone entry into this bitchin’ place just because they liked people from their same gender, they really haven’t been reading the Bible in the right way all along, have they?”