WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following the uproar over his comments regarding a federal judge in Hawaii blocking President Trump’s revised travel ban for six Muslim countries, Attorney General Jeff Sessions has tried to explain that he was joking when he referred to the Aloha State as “some island in the Pacific.” That explanation still left his critics wanting, so this morning Mr. Sessions held a press conference and announced that he’d be making some changes to how he addresses the American public.
“From now on,” Sessions said, “I’ll do my utmost to make sure it is very clear when I’m telling a racist joke, okay? I certainly don’t want people to take my bigoted sense of humor seriously. Sure, I’m a racist, but I know that Hawaii’s a state, for Pete’s sake!”
Sessions says that he attributes the “hubbub and backlash” over his joke to the fact that not everyone grew up a cheerful little racist elf making cookies as he did. Mr. Sessions said that he knows “some Americans now bristle at blatantly dog whistle racism,” but that back in his tree house/cookie factory, racist jokes were “just part of the culture” and he shouldn’t be judged to harshly for “holding tight to traditional racist American views.”
“Back in my day you could make a Jew joke without the entire Shlomo community getting upset with you,” Sessions lamented, “and you could make a joke about black people without having to look over your shoulder to check to see if any were in the room first. Call me crazy, but I don’t know that I recognize an America where racist claptrap isn’t lauded as hilarious and witty.”
Reached for comment, President Trump told reporters from Breitbart, World Net Daily, and a guy who runs a racist magazine out of his basement that now has press credentials to the White House that Attorney General Sessions has his “utmost confidence and racist support.”
“Jeff’s a good guy, okay,” Trump said, “a bigly good guy. He’s so good he still thinks marijuana is bad. It takes a real stalwart defender of his own delusions to hold tight to racist propaganda from the 1930’s that nearly every American recognizes as bullshit, and Jeff’s doing just that. Yooge respect for that Keebler fuck, let me tell you.”
Before ending the press conference, Sessions announced the Department of Justice would be launching a full-scale probe of the DOJ itself, after an incident involving Session’s soda.
“I drank from a can of Coke the other day,” Sessions said, trying in vain to smother a smirk and choking out laughter as he spoke, “and I swear someone went pee-pee in it. We all know who goes pee-pee in Cokes, so we’re right now looking at whether this was a Chinese counter-intelligence operation gone awry, or what.”
Sessions cackled hysterically for twenty minutes while fondling his penis inside his pants pocket and reading a copy of the KKK’s newsletter, Stormfront.
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