Jeff Sessions’ Nose Keeps Knocking Over His Morning Cup Of Coffee

His unique biochemistry has made it so that Attorney General Jeff Sessions must ask for privacy while drinking his morning coffee.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Attorney General Jeff Sessions has told his staff they are no longer to talk to him during his morning coffee break.

In a memo to the entire Department of Justice, Sessions says that he’s “sick and tired” of spilling his coffee every morning. The memo states that since becoming Attorney General, every day Mr. Sessions’ nose has inadvertently pushed over his coffee cup. He said the burns and scalds would hurt him if he was a mortal and not a “miniature, racist wooden puppet-boy.”

The Political Garbage Chute has decided to reprint the entire memo, below.

All —

As humbled and grateful as I am to be Attorney General and your boss, I must ask that during the 9 o’clock hour you do not disturb me in my office. That is the time that I take my coffee break, which allows me to cogitate on the day’s agenda. It’s hard for me to know exactly which state’s voting access I’m going to help restrict when I don’t have coffee running through my veins.

I understand you’re all keen to get to know me and have many questions about your assignments. But I beg of you, do not talk to me while I am having my coffee. Over the last few days, several people have come into my office during my coffee break and asked me a variety of questions. Whenever someone asks me about our friends, our dear, dear friends, in the Kremlin, no matter what I say, my nose grows so long and so fast that it knocks right into my coffee cup, spilling its contents all over my no-no zone.

Other mortals might be burned by such a thing. Luckily, as a miniature, racist wooden puppet-boy, I have no nerve endings in my crotch, or anywhere else for that matter. However, coffee is expensive. Especially the kind I get that’s only farmed by Colombian orphaned toddlers. That shit is not cheap, y’all! 

Also, the stains on my rug and seat may not come up if they are repeatedly exacerbated. I do not know how many times scalding, hot coffee can be spilled on leather taken from the whips used on he old plantation my grand-pappy owned before it stains permanently. It’s just a bad, bad situation is all.

I promise you that there’s really not much you want or need to know about the whole Russia thing, trust me. You really don’t need to ask me any questions about it…or any questions at all now that I think of it. Because one question might lead to another and the next thing you know my nose is a-growin’ again. 

So I beg of you, in the interest of not spilling anymore coffee in the morning — give me one hour window between 9:00am and 10:00am. Thank you so much.

Warmest Regards,

Attorney General Jeffrey Beauregard Sessions

The DOJ declined to comment.




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