Jeff Sessions Found On Capitol Steps, Unable To Recall Where He Lives

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Unexpected scenes on The Hill in the nation’s capital this morning as representatives on their way to the House and Senate found Attorney General Jeff Sessions asleep in the middle of the steps leading up to the Capitol Building.

While it is widely known that Mr. Sessions was required in the area yesterday for a congressional testimony, as far as anyone is aware, there is no scheduled reason for the Attorney General to be at on the Hill today.

Answers for his unexpected appearance may come in the words he reportedly said to Representative Elizabeth Moore (D-MI35) who claimed to reporters earlier today, “I saw Mr. Sessions just lying there, I went to see if he was okay because I was surprised to see him sleeping rough — I know he has a nice large home to live in that he has been able to afford after years of earning Russian oil money. So I asked him what was happening and he said, ‘I had to sleep here, I had nowhere else to go tonight. I can’t recall where I live, and the Trump hotel around the corner, that only lets offical delegates from Russia to the US stay, not spies from the Russia to the US.

When asked for clarification on the events later on, Mr Sessions said, “I cannot recall what took place this morning, it’s unreasonable to expect me to.”

Thankfully, one reporter who arrived early at work today was able to provide this additional insight, “So I was sat reading my emails in the Capitol building this morning when Paul Ryan and Mitch McConnell walked past me — They were laughing about seeing some homeless guy on the steps outside. I guess that must have been Sessions. They were talking about having him shot for fun, it was pretty rough when I think about it, I guess those two aren’t prepared to help someone old and vulnerable even if they’re a Republican.”

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