WASHINGTON, D.C. — Attorney General Jeff Sessions landed himself in some hot water on social and traditional media this week when he said that he was “amazed that a judge sitting on an island in the Pacific can issue an order that stops the president of the United States from what appears to be clearly his statutory and Constitutional power.” In an interview on CNN, Sessions defended his remark, which has drawn sharp rebuke from Democrats, but later in the day, a perhaps chastened Sessions held a press conference at the Department of Justice and issued an apology for those remarks.
“Ladies and gentlemen, I called this press here press conference today,” Sessions began in his trademark slow, southern drawl, “to offer my deepest regrets and sincerest apologies, I do declare, for any hurt feelings out there after what I said about Hawaii. So to any ocean Negros out there listening, I say, I say, I say I am quite sorry, indeed.”
Attorney General Sessions explained his joke by saying, “You can take the racist southern boy out of the south, but you can’t take the racist southerner out of that same boy when he goes and becomes a career politician, then the nation’s top cop who happened to be caught lying under oath to congress, boy howdy.”
Sessions said in the future he will always carry an updated almanac with him, as the one he’s been using for primary reference up to now was only current up to the start of the Civil War. The attorney general explained that growing up in the South, he never learned to “care much” about U.S. history after the treaty of Appomattox ended the Civil War. So, Sessions says, he made the remark about the federal judge in Hawaii stopping President Trump’s travel ban “based on old information.”
“But,” Sessions interjected, “that doesn’t mean the map in my almanac isn’t correct. It’s correct alright. Everything about America, at least in the southern regions, was correct at that time. States rights are so important. So vital. And that’s what the war of northern aggression was all about, you see. Now, I don’t want to get off on a racist tangent, but let me explain to you why slavery wasn’t that big a deal and then I’ll tell you about how I used to think the KKK was alright until I learned they smoked Darkie Weed, which I guess the politically correct climate of today forces me to call it marijuana or whatever.”
For the next twenty minutes, Sessions told reporters several things he’d read on Breitbart and Prager University postings written by Judge Anthony Napolitano that made him realize how “evil and vicious” Abraham Lincoln was. He also explained why the KKK wouldn’t “be so bad if they’d stop with all that toking of the wacky tobaccy.” When he was finished, he asked if anyone had any other questions.
“No, no questions then,” Sessions asked rhetorically, “okay then, I’m about to go watch 12 Years a Slave. I just love it when you can root for a good guy in a movie, and you don’t get much gooder than a slave holding plantation owner, in my book anyway. YEEEEEEEEEEEE-HAW!”
Sessions disappeared in a cloud of oil, chewing tobacco, Civil War rifle fire, and fiddle music.
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.