Pine Derby Falls, North Dakota — Presumptive 2016 Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush if elected to the highest office in the country wouldn’t have to look outside his own nuclear family for advice on how to do the job. Jeb’s father George Herbert Walker Bush was a one-term president who took over leading the nation in the wake of Ronald Reagan and the Reagan 80’s economy, which promptly tanked just after the first engagement with Iraq over Saddam Hussein’s attempted annexation of Kuwait. Jeb’s brother of course is the foreign policy expert that deftly took us into two wars of choice that cost over $6 trillion and thousands upon thousands of lives, without actually accomplishing the goal of bringing 9/11 mastermind Osama bin Laden to justice, or making Iraq and the surrounding area more secure.
Many of course feel that the Iraq War was a colossal waste of human and financial capital, but not Jeb. The former Florida governor told Fox’s Megyn Kelly in a recent interview that he’d have gone into Iraq himself. Bush also claimed that “so would have Hillary Clinton” invaded Iraq, as well as anyone “confronted with the intelligence [the George W. Bush administration] got.” Ahead of next year’s election, with the Iraq War still a highly unpopular event in recent American history, particularly among millennial voters, who will have even more say in the outcome of the election than even had in 2008 or 2012, some might wonder why Jeb would declare himself open to the prospect of doing something similar himself.
“I would have pulled an Iraq too,” Jeb later told reporters outside a bowling alley in Pine Derby Falls, North Dakota where he had been hosting a rally. “Because stupid runs in my family. My father has it, my brother has it. I have it too, and that utter and complete lack of real executive accomplishment is what makes me most qualified to be president.” Jeb paused for a moment while the crowd cheered. “That’s right! Being stupid is a trait every Bush president has had in the past, and I promise to carry that rich tradition of stupidity into the future. Besides, it’s only the rich, limousine liberal left that wants you to believe you have to be ‘intelligent’ or at least possess some ‘forethought’ and ‘accountability for your actions.’ I guess they get learned that particular bit of knowledge in their high-fallutin’ academic colleges,” said the University of Texas Phi Beta Kappa alum.
These are not the first curious comments that Jeb has made about the legacy of his family in the Oval Office, particularly that of his brother George’s legacy. Last week he announced his older brother would be a foreign policy adviser on his campaign, prompting many to wonder if he’d next hire the ghost of Adolf Hitler to be his compassion and non-Genocidal thoughts adviser. “Some may say it’s really stupid for me to bring on a guy responsible for one of the stupidest mistakes our military has ever been engaged to commit,” Jeb told the North Dakota audience. “But who are they to say what’s stupid and what’s not stupid? Sure, to some the fact that Iraq’s weapons of mass destruction, and the alleged ongoing program to create more of them didn’t actually turn out to be true makes the Iraq War stupid. To some, losing over 4,000 American boys and girls and hundreds of thousands of Iraqis in the process of making the region less secure, not more, means it was stupid. But I ask you this — how can anything that generates so much money for Uncle Dick and others be bad at all? Money is good, guys. Duh.”
Current polling puts Jeb among the GOP front runners, though he has yet to officially declare his candidacy. “The bottom line to me is a simple one,” Jeb said as he was finishing his speech. “You just don’t know what you’re getting most of the time when you vote for someone. But when you vote for a Bush you know what you’re getting — a war hawk who will fuck the economy up for the next guy. I look forward to your votes. Thanks, and God Bless America!”