DUNE SEA, TATOOINE — Disgraced former Fox News CEO and intergalactic crime lord Jabba the Ailes has died, Imperial sources are reporting at the time of publication.
Sources say Ailes was found on one of his luxury sail barges just a few meters from the Great Pit of Carkoon, also known as the Sarlacc Pit, which had also previously claimed the life of the bounty hunter Boba Fett. According to news from the scene, a large metal chain was found around Ailes’ neck, his massive tongue protruding from his massive, gaping maw. There were signs of an apparent struggle, and authorities say it took them several hours to get Ailes’ toady, Salacious Hannity, to come down from the ceiling and give a statement.
“We came upon the remains of the infamous gangster Jabba “Roger” the Ailes this morning just as the second sun had started to rise,” Imperial Officer Grel Millik told the press, “and it was very apparent from the moment we arrived that one of Ailes’ slaves had done this. When you’ve got a reputation as being a misogynist slug who forces women to do things they don’t want to, eventually it could catch up with you.”
At this time, it’s unknown who might have strangled Jabba the Ailes, but he did make many enemies both as a crime lord and as Fox News CEO, which experts say share many common job duties. The chain found around Ailes’ neck was commonly used by him to hold slave girls and female anchors, chained to the massive dais in his sprawling palace on the binary system’s surface. That leads Imperial forces to surmise it was either a disgruntled slave dancer or a former female anchor who had been the victim of Ailes’ sexual misconduct that did the deed.
Ailes, who sometimes went by the name of Roger, depending on which planet he was visiting, was ousted from the top spot at Fox last year when one of the network’s former anchors accused him of repeated sexual harassment. Gretchen Carlson’s accusation led to a slew of women coming forward to corroborate her allegations with their own. Ailes was eventually fired by Fox, and one of the first men he hired to host a show on his network — Bill O’Reilly — was let go after it was revealed Fox had paid over $13 million in sexual harassment settlements and advertisers started backing out of sponsoring “The O’Reilly Factor.”
The bounty hunter Boushh was the only denizen of Ailes’ palace willing to go on record. He said, “Good riddance to that tubby piece of sexually predatory shit.” Then he told us he was holding a thermal detonator and walked away with a Wookie and a rakish looking, swashbuckling space pirate in tow.
Just before publication, Imperial forces released a video of what they say are Jabba the Ailes final moments. They asked all media outlets to run it, and ask that if anyone has any information to contact their local outpost immediately.
Follow James on Twitter @JamesSchlarmann.