Ivanka Takes New Designer Armbands to Retailers Nationwide

Sucks to be you, Nordstrom’s.

Designer/Surrogate First Lady, Ivanka Trump, is putting on her walking boots and heading to greener pastures. And her father, Cheeto/Surrogate President Donald Trump, could not be happier.

“My sweet girl does the best work.” Daddy Trump said to Sean Spicer so that he could scream out a press release. “She really is putting her tremendous talents to tremendous use. Amazing. Bannon and I were talking how great it would be if we could easily see what people are and Ivanka came up with the most sexy idea.” Spicer then asked Trump to slow down a little bit so that he could catch up taking his notes. Trump replied, “The world does not stop and start and your convenience. Shut the fuck up.”

The most talented Ivanka will release an amazing designer armband collection that will be carried exclusively at Wal-Mart. The colorful and vibrant selections reflect all colors and creeds and are intended to help heal our destroyed nation.

“I call them ‘Arm Band Aids’,” Ivanka told her dad so that he could tell Spicer. “Band-Aids heal wounds and this country is covered in wounds. It’s gross. Also, I want a way to make money while also selling things to people. My new friends at Wal-Mart get that concept better than anyone. Except you dad. You are better than Wal-Mart.”

“I know I’m better than Wal-Mart, baby-cheeks,” Donald replied. “If I wanted to be a one-stop mega-store I would be the most mega. I would have all the things. That said, Wal-Mart is the best.”

“You want me to say that part about you being better than Wal-Mart?” Spicer interjected.

“Shut the fuck up, Seany.” Donald said calmly.

“Just focus on the gum-chewing, Sean!”Ivanka added. “God dammit!” Sean took more notes while chewing his gum.

There is plenty reason to get excited about these new Arm-Band-Aids. You can chose from the Gay, Muslim, Jew or Voted for Trump varieties among so many others. [Other styles include: Christian, Black, Indian, Native Indian, Immigrant, Refugee, Immigrant BUT married to a Proper American, Transgender, Snowflake and Meryl Streep]

Kellyanne Conway, always excited to shill, put on the face she keeps in a jar under the sink and went on Fox N’ Friends this morning to peddle the wares while wary.


“Um…. Let me sure I say this right. Please do not, not buy these wonderful accessories! I probably didn’t!” she told a rapt Ainsley Earhardt. Then both women giggled until they passed out from lack of oxygen.

Spicer’s official press release concluded by stating: “While the purchase of an armband is currently voluntary it is in everyone’s best interest to get one now before it’s mandated.”

We’ve have asked for clarification of this final statement but have yet to receive a response. We will continue to cover as this develops.


Follow Dave on Twitter @DVDPinson.



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