GOLDEN HILLS, CALIFORNIA — Agents with Immigration and Customs Enforcement announced today that they have arrested the youngest potential deportee in history. Clocked in as just 30 weeks past conception, “Fetus” Gomez was arrested along with its host organism, its mother, last night in California. Though Consuela Gomez came to the U.S. illegally, typically the children of undocumented workers, zygotes included, have not been subject to deportation thanks to the concept of natural-born citizenship.
The Bannon administration, however, is staffed with people who view natural-born citizenship in a very negative light, and that policy has trickled its way down to various ICE offices around the country. Americans on the left side of the spectrum have been growing more and more alarmed with ever increasing tales of undocumented people, even Dreamers — people who came here illegally after they were born but by their parents and as minor children — have been swept up in deportation raids. The arrest of Fetus Gomez marks yet another hardening turn in the new era of American politics.
“Fetus Gomez is not an American citizen yet,” White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer told reporters today, “so, no, this admoonistreet-adminicastration-ad revenue — ADMINISTRATION does not think it’s out of the ordinary for anyone, regardless of their age, to be deported if they are here illegally.”
Spicer said that while he’d have to defer to the Department of Homeland Security for any questions, that the Bannon administration is “generally very much for immigration enforcement” even if it “crosses some lines.”
“Look, you guys are in here asking all kinds of gotcha questions,” Spicer said, “as if we have some, like, responsibility to take for our actions. But you know what? That’s really mean guys! We’ve only been in these jobs a few weeks, and they are way, way harder than we thought when we were making fun of that black guy for eight years, know what I mean? Give us some time, and we’ll convict-convext-complex-CONVINCE you we know what’s up.”
Mr. Spicer said the “bottom line is that 30% of the American people elected us to rustle some Mexicans” and that’s what they intend to do. Lawyers for Fetus Gomez have filed an emergency appeal in federal court, hoping to block its deportation.
“As a Republican,” Speaker of the House Paul Ryan said, “I am certain that fetus is a person that deserves its full compliment of constitutional rights, and even if it were conceived in rape, it should be carried to full term. But also as a Republican I say ‘Fuck the Mexicans,’ respectfully, and want that little future El-Democratino booted the hell out of this country because I believe in freedom, just not, like, too much freedom ya dig?”
Reached for comment, former Arkansas Governor and Trump surrogate Mike Huckabee said that he fully supports this development.
“I’m pro-life,” Huckabee said, “so it might seem weird that I’d be okay with forcibly removing a fetus under any guise. You’d also think that as a Christian I would be horrified by deporting mothers and fathers and separating families when we deport people. But I’m also a Republican. And that means sacrificing my morals makes total sense as long as I can equivocate it in some way, shape or form, in my gravy-addled mind. God bless.”
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