The world breathed a collective sigh of relief today as bitter enemies on each side of the Christianity vs. Atheist debate have agreed to stop their constant battle with each other and, instead, refocus their energies on blaming everything on Islam. The warfare between the two groups, which recently had mainly been contained to comments on Youtube and arguments between people who have never met the other on Facebook, had been in a state of quagmire since the Spanish Inquisition. The peace treaty was brokered this earlier this week when Baptist minister, American presidential candidate, and Fox News talking head and wobbling chin Mike Huckabee finally admitted to evolutionary geneticist and totally-nonjudgmental jackass Richard Dawkins that, despite their differences, they could at least agree to blame Islam for most of the violence in the world today.
This was a shocking break in the negotiations, which had been held up since mid-2012 by Huckabee’s belief that if he waited until Obama’s reelection, the Rapture would occur and the Seven Headed Serpent of Revelations would rise from the sea, thus disproving evolution. They also faced a serious stall in the mid 2009 when Huckabee pointed out the two biggest names in evolutionary genetics, Charles Darwin and Gregor Mendel, received a degree in ordination and became a monk, respectively, and Dawkin responded by kicking Huckabee ally and formerly relevant human being Kurt Cameron in the testicles.
“Unfortunately, I’m going to have to wait a little longer until Jesus comes back and declares me the winner,” said Huckabee. “But until then, I have a new ally in blaming Muslims for all the problems of the world and absolving a corrupt system of any responsibility for the state of affairs.”
Dawkins, from on his Twitter feed, posted “Haven’t read Koran so couldn’t quote chapter & verse like I can for the Bible. But often say Islam greatest force for evil today. #scienceswag #yolo #noseriouslyyolo”
He later tweeted “Not corruption, poverty, hyper-militarism, neo-imperialism, authoritarianism, or complete ignorance of other cultures. Definitely the bacon haterz. #theymad”
This is the only significant progress made in negotiations between Christians and Atheists in several years, as the idea of being a good person without worrying about what the other person does with their Sunday mornings was thoroughly rejected by both sides from the beginning of peace treaty negotiations.
When Dawkins and Huckabee were asked why they decided to blame Islam over say Buddhism or Hinduism, Huckabee responded, “Muslims will go to the mosque, and they will have their day of prayer, and they come out of there like uncorked animals — throwing rocks and burning cars. And while this only happens in areas that are already active war zones, that should not take anything away from that fact.” When asked if they thought if the religion actually teaches violence, both men chuckled, with Dawkins replying “How the hell should we know?”
We are reporting that this new alliance has been roundly denounced by Muslims, but because PGC is an American news organization, we didn’t actually ask any Muslims their opinions. We did manage to get word from an anonymous representative of the Jewish community, who said “While Judaism was not largely discussed in the truce between Christians and Atheists, we are just glad that, for once, people got together and decided to hate someone other than us.”