House Republicans To Introduce Universal Background Check Bill For Porn Purchases

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Citing his party’s newly leaked platform, Speaker of the House Paul Ryan (R-WI) says he will allow a vote on a bill that his Republican caucus has drafted which would create a federal universal background check before purchasing any pornographic content.

“As our party platform clearly states, porno is a way bigger public health threat than over 300 million guns,” Ryan said at an early morning press conference, “even if those guns are being bought by people we can’t be reasonably sure we can fully trust.”

The party platform, voted on by delegates and leaked via Yahoo! News, contains very specific language calling pornography a “public health crisis” and “menace.”

“Pornography, with his harmful effects, especially on children, has become a public health crisis that is destroying the life of millions. We encourage states to continue to fight this public menace and pledge our commitment to children’s safety and well being,” the amendment stated. (source)

“Some might ask when was the last time that some deranged person armed with an iPad and PornHub walked into a nightclub and murdered 49 people,” Ryan told reporters, “but that’s just a distraction technique the left uses. They want you to think that it’s much worse for society to have absolutely no controls on who can own firearms solely designed and built with the purpose of killing as many humans as possible in a short period of time than to have a society where people can watch two consenting adults bone.”

Ryan says he finds the suggestion that guns are more dangerous than porn “libtarded poppycock,” and Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-TX) agreed, while also suggesting there was a way for porn producers to get on congressional Republicans’ good sides.

“Just put some dang ol’ guns in your dang ol’ stag films,” Gohmert said, “it ain’t that hard. Just have the guy rail the girl while also holding a sweet, sweet AR-15 and let him squeeze a few rounds off as he’s squeezing out his hot, sticky, load. Nothing is hotter than orgasming as you’re firing a gun, and in fact for some of us, they’re literally the same exact thing.”




Rep. Trey Gowdy (R-SC) supports the porno background check bill, but he says that language should be added to make “doing Benghazis” illegal too.

“I’m all in favor of puritanical crusades against things just because it offends my religious beliefs,” Gowdy said, “but I don’t think a single bill should pass through the People’s House unless it contains specific language making doing Benghazis against the law as well. And if you oppose it, I pretty much think you’re covering up for Hillary Rodham Clinton.”

Ryan told reporters that he “just want[s] to think of the children” for a change.

“Is it so hard that we put the safety and well-being of our children first,” Ryan asked, “because I think it’s pretty easy to see how making guns easier and easier to purchase is way smarter and frankly freedom-y than allowing adults to watch other adults make the sexy times with each other, and I think all red blooded, God fearing, ammo hoarding patriots would agree with me.”

This is a developing story.


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About James Schlarmann 1816 Articles
James is the founding contributor and editor-in-chief of The Political Garbage Chute, a political satire and commentary site, which can be found on Facebook as well. You definitely should not give that much a shit about his opinions.
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