Holiday Worlds Struggle to Accommodate “National Day of Patriotic Devotion Town”

Since the Halloween Incident of 1993, most of the Holiday Worlds of Old have coexisted in peace. But now, many residents express their worry that the newest world, National Day of Patriotic Devotion Town, has upset the balance. The town’s leader, Don Trumpington, has begun a tour of the other worlds, with uncertain results each time.

“We were just mindin’ our own business,” said Uncle Sam, elected leader of Independence Day Town, “stockpiling fireworks and barbecuing steaks like always, when this big, loud fella showed up, sayin’ he wanted some kind of alliance.” Pausing to pat a child on the head for his gunsmithing skills, Sam then continued, “Wasn’t quite sure what to make of him, though. ‘Specially when a bunch of his friends, big bull-fellas — ‘deplora-bulls,’ I think somebody called ’em — started snatchin’ up all our flags for ’emselves. Said they were protectin’ em from protesters who might wanna burn ’em or some such. Now we’ve had a couple rowdies do that now’n again, and it does rile me up somethin’ awful, but those flags’re for all of us, not just them.”

Trumpington’s next stop was Columbus Day Town, currently embroiled in a civil war against insurgents demanding to change its name to Indigenous People’s Town. He met with the town’s traditional leader, Christopher Columbus, who left the meeting intrigued, but confused. “He called himself ‘the most military guy there is,” said Columbus, speaking with a thick and stereotypical accent. “Kept saying he had a secret plan to crush-a the enemy. Wouldn’t tell me what it was, though. Hmm…” Columbus then excused himself from the interview, saying he had some natives to enslave.

Lastly, Trumpington visited Christmas Town. Its ruler Santa, who deposed previous ruler Jesus Christ in 1873, held a tense closed-door meeting with the newcomer, followed by a quiet interview in his private office after Trumpington had gone.

“I knew something was wrong when I saw him on the naughty list,” Santa said, pouring himself an eggnog brandy. “He comes in here, bragging about this and that, promising to ‘put Christmas back on top,’ if we’ll all just do what he says.” After a stiff drink, Santa continued. “But millions of families already celebrate the joy of Christmas all over the world. What do we need him for?”

“I just feel bad for Earth Day Town,” Santa added as he poured another glass. “They’re fucked.”

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