BISHOP’S CREEK, ALABAMA — The Chief Justice of the Supreme Court of the State of Alabama’s name is Roy Moore, and Mr. Moore is no fan of marriage equality. Seeing the rainbow-colored writing on the wall in his state, Chief Justice Moore made a last-ditch effort to stop marriage licenses being issued to same-sex couples in his state. The United States Supreme Court in a 7-2 decision ultimately told Justice Moore his opinion was invalid, and gay marriage licenses have been distributed in Alabama since.
Many people across the country were outraged at Moore’s behavior, but not that most venerable of Southern organizations, the Ku Klux Klan. Brent Waller, Imperial Wizard of the United Dixie White Knights, made a statement on the racist website Stormfront in support of Justice Moore, stating that the “Mississippi Klan salutes Alabama’s chief justice Roy Moore, for refusing to bow to the yoke of Federal tyranny.” Waller went on to say that the federal government has “no authority over individual States marriage laws.” Many probably didn’t know that Waller was a premier legal scholar as well as a premier white supremacist, but with solid logic like, “The fudgepackers from Hollywood and all major news networks are in shock that the good people from the heart of Dixie are resisting their Imperialist, Communist Homosexual agenda,” how can his legal and argumentative prowess not be acknowledged.
Now, two more voices from the hard right-wing have chimed in, and they are surprisingly split on their opinions of Justice Moore’s behavior and attitude toward gay marriage. The re-animated corpse of Adolf Hitler and the physical embodiment of Satan here on Earth recently spoke to our reporters, and they had decidedly different takes on marriage equality and more specifically Justice Moore’s attempts to keep his state rooted in Biblical marriage traditions.
“I totally get it,” Hitler told our reporter. “I mean, you know me, I’m all for repressing people who are different than you in any way,” the re-animated Fascist dictator said. “Of course, I think my…solution…for the Communist Homosexual agenda was far more permanent and far more effective, but I suppose times have changed slightly.”
“You know,” mused Satan as he spoke to us from a conference on evil in the world today, “I kind of think Justice Moore is just an old fashioned dick.” The fallen angel said that he “can sympathize with Moore wanting to hurt people who he doesn’t respect or like” but that “the whole gay marriage thing is so passé.” Satan said that, “It’s 2015 for fucks’ sake. What exactly does Moore think he’s going to accomplish, other than being like the judges who ruled in favor of Jim Crow laws?”
Our reporter asked Satan if he had any ulterior motives, considering that according to Christian preachers and pastors he’s always lurking in the shadows. We are always being warned of Satan’s duplicitous nature. Is his support of marriage equality just a ruse to bring us all closer to the Rapture, Armageddon and he eventual wiping out of all of humanity from the face of the Earth?
“No,” Satan laughed, “I’m just not a fucking douche who cares what two adults do with their sex parts.”
We asked Re-Animated Hitler how he felt about Satan’s take on gay marriage. “Beelzy and I have often disagreed on things,” Hitler told us. “He was really shocked by the Holocaust, for instance. I remember when I got to Hell for the first time he just looked and me said, ‘Dude, I run a brimstone and fire lake resort, I have tortured the souls of the damned for all Eternity and will continue to do so for all of time, but more than six million Jews, Gypsies and homosexuals? That’s fucked up.’
And he put me in the isolation ward for a long time. It was just me and Estelle Getty from ‘The Golden Girls’ in cells next to each other. That woman is insane by the way. Anyway, the point is that Satan and I don’t always agree, and that’s okay.”
“For me, it comes down to something really simple,” Satan said as he was getting ready to hang up the phone. “If you think the all-powerful, all-knowing entity that ‘created’ the universe cares at all about two adults who love each other getting married, then you must think that dude has more time on his hands than he does.
I’ve talked to the Big Guy about this subject actually. I asked him if he cares about two dudes getting married, or two women getting married. He laughed so hard I thought it was going to cause another earthquake in the Bay Area. You know what he said to me?
He said, ‘Satan, if someone thinks I’d send my only begotten son down to Earth with a message of universal love for all people and care in the slightest when two people commit to each other in love for one another, then those people are fucking dumber than I know what to do with.’ His words; not mine.”
The Supreme Court of the United States is set to hear a handful of cases this spring that could settle the gay marriage topic, at least in the same sense that abortion was settled about forty years ago. “It almost doesn’t matter,” Satan told us, “what the Supreme Court decides. Some people will never let it go. They’ll go their entire lives thinking their time on Earth has been somehow cheapened or impacted in some way by the gays getting married.” Satan paused for a moment, thoughtful in reflection.
“Oh well, I’ll have all of eternity to show them the errors in their thinking. It’ll be too late for them, but well, irony is a fun, cruel mistress isn’t she,” Satan asked rhetorically.