LOS ODIADOS, CALIFORNIA — Hoping to capitalize on American nostalgia for past elections, the Hillary Clinton campaign has announced that they will start using a new slogan on hats, t-shirts, bumper stickers and digital marketing materials. The slogan, one Clinton aide told us, is meant to evoke memories of President Dwight D. Eisenhower’s campaigns, and perhaps even signal to Republican voters that they have “a more consistently Republican option in Hillary,” the aide said.
Starting next week, the Clinton camp will roll out “I Don’t Like Donald…More Than I Dislike Hillary” as their new campaign slogan.
“We want to evoke memories of the ‘I Like Ike’ campaign, but also keep it hip, fresh, and relevant to today’s political climate,” Deputy Assistant Chief Sub-Liaison of Media Affairs Henry Meyers told the press, “and so we went with this one. We feel it captures the spirit of this election. And that spirit, namely, is that most people pretty much don’t like either of their two main choices for president.”
Mr. Meyers was referring to a new poll, reported on in Politico, that showed a whopping 6 in 10 Americans don’t like either Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton. Meyers said while it’s a challenge for Clinton, she has the “clear advantage when it comes to looking less terrible than Trump” and Clinton “is just mistrusted because she comes off like a cold, dead, politically calculating android, while Trump looks like someone doing his best Silvio Berlusconi impersonation, with a little bit of Hitler mixed in for shits and giggles.”
“Of course it’s a major hurdle for us to have so many people dislike and distrust our candidate,” Meyers conceded, “but what are they going to do? They have one candidate on the right who is so far removed from reality that you can’t tell if he’s still just playing a character on his crappy reality-TV show, and on the left you have a candidate who would run from the right if the numbers looked like she’d get a .3% bump in the polls by doing so. I mean, what are they going to do — vote for the primary candidate who consistently beats Trump heads-up in current polling and has beaten Hillary in campaign contributions for a few months straight now? Pffft.”
Should the new campaign slogan not land with voters, Meyers says the Clinton campaign has a few others they’ve gotten “lined-up” as backups.
“I happen to really like, ‘Hey, vote for Hillary, c’mon, what’s the worst that could happen?’ but one of my colleagues actually prefers, ‘Is she really THAT bad?’ and I think that could also be a really meaningful statement in today’s political climate,” Meyers told reporters.”
Currently, national polling is showing a virtual dead-heat between Trump and Clinton, though many pundits insist it’s still far too early to consider those kinds of polls.