ALEXANDRIA, VIRGINIA — Sources close to all parties have confirmed that Paul Manafort received a package this morning that contained a personalized, handcrafted gift to Manafort from former Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton. The package contained a single orange jumpsuit and a handwritten note from Ms. Clinton.
“At approximately 8 o’clock this morning,” a spokesman for Manafort told the press outside his lawyer’s office, “a package was received from Ms. Hillary Clinton. In it, we found a jumpsuit, a handwritten note, and a flash drive that contained a single file — a sixteen hour loop of the song ‘Bad Boys’ from that TV show ‘Cops’ back in the day.”
The contents of Clinton’s note were shared with the media by Manafort’s lawyer, and the full transcript of it follows, below.
Dear Paul,
Read about the raid on your home in August and the wiretapping last year. It sounded to me like you might be in need of this some time soon. So I went down to Michael’s and got the best, brightest orange material I could find, and sewed this for you. Hope you like it!
Did a little personalizing on it too, hope you like it. I really enjoy using my Bedazzler! Keep in touch, if they let you; I’m not sure what federal prison guidelines on outside communications are…but I am sure you will be…soon.
Toodles, Paul!
xoxoxo,
Hill-Dawg
P.S. LOCK HIM UP! LOCK HIM UP! LOCK HIM UP!
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Late last night, a bombshell report dropped that states Manafort was not only raided by the FBI, Mueller sent word to Manafort to expect to be indicted. Legal experts say that Mueller’s inquiry has a tone and urgency not often seen in these kinds of investigations. As reported by The New York Times, the FBI raid on Manafort’s Virginia home came in the early hours of the morning and required agents to pick a lock, indicating Mueller and his team are taking things very seriously.
Robert S. Mueller III, then followed the house search with a warning: His prosecutors told Mr. Manafort they planned to indict him, said two people close to the investigation. (source)
“Obviously this shit is getting really really rill,” Manafort’s spokesman said, “not to use legal jargon and mumbo jumbo, of course.”
It’s unclear at this time whether Mueller’s threats of indictment could portend more bad news for President Trump or his associates. However, it is a matter of public record and fact that Mr. Manafort was Trump’s campaign manager and spokesman at the time that he and Donald Trump Jr. attended a meeting with a Russian lawyer that promised them dirt on Hillary Clinton. Jared Kushner, Trump’s son-in-law, also attended the meeting.
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The White House has issued a statement about both Mueller’s indictment warning as well as Ms. Clinton’s gift to Mr. Manafort.
“We are not afraid of anything that Mr. Mueller says to Mr. Manafort,” the White House statement reads, “because we have certain assurances from a comrade in high places that we’re going to be well taken care of. As far as Crooked Hillary’s crooked crocheting of a crooked orange crooked jumpsuit to crookedly give to Paul Manafort like a crook? And we say this in our official, governmental capacity – fuck her.”
This story is developing.
