HOBART, ARKANSAS — Buried deep within the thousands of emails that WikiLeaks has released regarding Hillary Clinton’s health issues, investigators from a conservative firm in Arkansas claim they have uncovered a “monumental monolith of a scandal.”
According to Clem O’Connell, a licensed private investigator and admitted “lifelong Republican,” his private investigation firm began combing through the emails released by Julian Assange’s organization as soon as they were released. He says after several dozen hours scouring the emails, he and his team hit on something big, and knew it could cause serious damage to the former Secretary of State’s presidential bid. O’Connell told reporters at a press conference outside his firm’s headquarters that he had reason to believe that Clinton’s alleged health problems that have been the subject of much discussion in conservative circles are all true, but that that they help cover up a dark secret — she’s a cold blooded assassin murderess.
“Hillary Clinton does have health issues,” Clem said, “besides of course being a liberal. We all know liberalism is a mental disorder. But the her health issues are just a clever ruse; they’re very convenient for her because she’s able to use them as cover for her life as a cold blooded assassin!”
O’Connell claims that he found direct evidence in one of the thousands of emails that shows Clinton was trained to “harness her health problems” in a way that make her “deadly accurate with a firearm.”
“Yes, she’s prone to strokes as we conservatives knew all along,” Clem said, “but what we didn’t realize is that she took a special class that taught her how to aim and fire a gun while having a stroke. It’s quite nefarious and genius, really.”
Mr. O’Connell says that for many years, people on the right-wing fringe of American politics assumed that Clinton had people like Vince Foster and several others on what has become known as “Hillary Kill List” in some circles killed by someone else. He said that it therefore came as quite a shock when he and his team found what they say is “incredibly damning” evidence in the WikiLeaks emails that shows she’s both very sick and weak, but also a completely lucid, scheming murderer.
“I always knew she was simultaneously mentally incompetent,” Clem said, “physically weak, frail, and sick, and a cold-blooded, calculating killer!”
The big takeaway from this discovery, O’Connell says, is that it proves how correct the right-wing has been about the Clintons their entire political careers. He said that despite there never being any direct evidence, he and conservatives like him always “just knew” that there was a story like this one waiting to be uncovered.
“They’re ALL true, every single, solitary conspiracy theory,” O’Connell pronounced, “It’s really incredible. Literally if you can make it up about her, it’s true.”
The reporters covering Clem’s announcement were perplexed when he didn’t provide his evidence to them. One reporter from a newspaper in nearby Little Rock asked him to produce his evidence. After several moments of checking his various pockets, Clem shrugged.
“I uh, forgot,” Clem said, “to print out the email. But basically the gist of it is she emailed someone in the fall of 2011 and the words she used were so clearly about her using her health problems as cover for her career as a global assassin, even though anyone else reading them wouldn’t get that from the emails at all. But you have to have a discerning eye for this! You have to know where to look, where they hide evidence in plain sight, I tells you!”
The reporters, realizing they’d been had once again, simultaneously gave Clem the finger, and started walking away. As they left the press conference, Clem hollered at them.
“Oh sure, my evidence may just be me reading emails and being so desperate for evidence of conspiracy and scandal that I fabricate them out of completely harmless words when kept in their actual context,” Clem yelled, “But, well, maybe I’m right. And to right-wing conspiracy theorists, where’s there’s a maybe, there’s definitely evidence of massive governmental corruption and conspiracies that always go to the top and are always about bringing America down from within.”
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.