Here’s a Sneak Preview of My Iran Deal Speech

Dick Cheney gives readers an advance look at the speech on the international Iran nuclear deal.

My fellow Americans, I am going to be speaking to The American Enterprise Institute next month. For months, I had planned for he subject of my speech to be Haliburton’s construction of a giant, moon-like space station with the power to destroy an entire planet, but then the continued failures of the Obama Administration’s foreign policy has forced me to change the topic. I’m going to be speaking about his administration’s terrible, horrible, no good, very bad international nuclear accord made with with Iran.

Since most of you won’t be able to attend the speech next month, I decided I would send it to the fine folks in the media, and have them publish it for me. So, here it is, my speech that I will give to the AEI, more or less.

Friends, our nation stands at the precipice of a historic opportunity. The Middle East has been a hotbed of conflagration for many decades, starting when our country first planted its perfect seed of democracy in Iran, as we began to meddle in other self-governing nations’ affairs in order to stop the hulking, red menace of Communism. There was of course the hostage crisis that President Jimmy Carter totally messed up all himself and certainly wasn’t a product of the Iranians just wanting to piss on a president as he left. Then there was some stuff that happened in the Middle East during the first Bush administration, and we all know that was totally rad.

Of course, nothing will ever be as successful or well-judged historically like my own, sweet, profit margin busting Iraq War. Man was that war perfect, or what? We totally accomplished everything we set out do, were greeted as liberators, found the WMD, and everything would have been perfect and stable in the region if it weren’t for Obama sticking to the timetable that our administration actually set. Excuse me while I take a hit from this glass dick a moment.

(I’m going to smoke the crack that helps me stay in a delusional dream world where I’m not one of the world’s most wanted war criminals, but instead an elder statesman and master of the Art of War at this point in the speech.)

But now, that horrible Democrat in the White House threatens to bungle his way into more trouble in Iran with this silly nuclear accord. For starters, what kind of massive wimp gets international sign-off on anything? We are the United States of America, as the Cheney Doctrine clearly established in the Iraq War, we don’t ask permission. We shoot first, aim later. It’s what Lincoln meant when he chopped down George Washington’s cherry tree at the Battle of Endor. We took the time and effort to establish a new Manifest Destiny in the Middle East, and this community organizer goes and organizes the international community around a nuclear deal with one of the countries in the Axis of Evil?!

America simply cannot continue its perfect military track record by going and signing international, multilateral peace accords. That’s just insanity. I mean, sure, Ronnie Reagan got us started on a nuclear treaty with Russia. But that was different. Reagan was a Republican. There’s something else different about them, but if I mention it I’m being racist according to people who think alluding to someone’s skin tone as if it makes them different than me is somehow “racist.” Whatever.

The point is that America doesn’t do teamwork, America is on its own team. Other countries might want to play soccer, but we want to play golf, a sport clearly invented by Americans because it involves doing something all by yourself and you are your only real competition. So don’t listen to any liberal who tries to correct you by saying golf was invented in Scotland. Bullshit. Even if it was, Americans play it now, so that means we get to claim it as our own.

Next, let me just say how dangerous this accord is on another front — my checkbook. We all know war is amazing. We all know war is glorious. We all know war is necessary and unavoidable. But do we all know how important war is to me getting another vacation home, or to me buying another wood chipper into which I can throw puppies for sport, like every good, clean, ammo-hoarding patriot does? A happy Cheney means a happy country. And I’m most happy when young men and women are dying by the thousand and my bank accounts just keep growing and growing. A nuclear deal with IranĀ lessensĀ the chance of a war with Iran, and that means Haliburton might not get to scoop up a few dozen billion dollars this time around.

And that makes me genuinely sad. A tear would be coming out of my eye right now, if my programming allowed it. I’m more machine now than man, awesome and evil.

In the end, what really makes me not like this deal is that we just don’t know that Iran won’t lie to us. I can’t stand lying or people who lie. Liars are the worst people on the planet. Sure, some lies are harmless. “No, that suit doesn’t make you look stupid, Dubya” or “Yes, there is a significant connection between Saddam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden” are perfectly harmless lies. But some lies can have disastrous consequences, and Iran could prove to be the biggest liars ever!

So I hope you join me, my fellow super conservative war hawk Americans. Let us bang down the door of the White House and demand that this international treaty that has the support of many nations, the U.N. and foreign policy experts all over the world be shredded and used to light Obamacare on fire! GOD BLESS AMERICA! GOD BLESS MY MONEY! AND GOD BLESS ME!

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