KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY — Larry “God” Schumway, President and CEO of Holy Trinity Inc., held a press conference today and tore into former Congresswoman Michele Bachmann.
“Apparently, a couple weeks ago ol’ Crazy Eyes Bachmann was telling people on Earth that liberals are helping the fucking Antichrist come to power,” God told reporters, “and I just really can’t believe after all this time that people who read the Bible and understand it think Michele Bachmann knows what the hell she’s talking about about anything, much less the Bible and its lessons.”
God said that regardless of Ms. Bachmann’s feelings about liberals, she is “clueless” and a “complete and utter partisan douchebag.”
“She has no need to invoke me, or my son,” God said, “especially not when engaging in American political discourse. I want her to go home and scour her Bible for anything that remotely gives her the idea that I give a fuck about politics to begin with. But you know, it goes beyond that, it really does.”
Mr. Schumway said that he can’t understand why Bachmann would even consider herself a Christian. In fact, Schumway said, anyone who voted for Donald Trump thinking he’s a Christian “is either stupid, misinformed, or both.”
“If anyone is the Anti-Christ,” God said, “it’s the narcissist you voted for, Crazy Eyes. Jesus, my son, talked about loving everyone, the least among us. Trump wants to bomb a country and not let their refugees into his. Trump is anti-poor and in love with himself. Jesus hung out with the poor and loved everyone. You can’t get much more anti-Christ or anti-Christian than a pussy grabbing oligarch, for reals guys.”
“What, exactly, does she do that makes her follow in the footsteps of my son,” God asked, “because she doesn’t give a shit about the poor.”
Schumway dove into a litany of things that Ms. Bachmann espouses that don’t “gel with Christianity.”
“She doesn’t want to heal the sick unless they can pay tons of money to insurance companies first,” God said, “and she does everything in her power to denigrate immigrants, people who are literally risking everything just to make a better life for themselves.”
As the press conference concluded, God reminded everyone that the most binding principle of Christianity is “loving everyone.” He said that he hopes earthly Christians will “read their bibles more and their political pamphlets less.” Schumway says that if anyone thinks they can “just waltz into Heaven and flash their family values GOP card” they are sorely mistaken, because they, like Bachmann are “completely clueless how to actually be Christian.”
“Michele Bachmann wouldn’t know true Christianity,” God concluded, “if it bit her in her pious, sanctimonious, hypocritical, judgmental, uptight ass. Someone should remind her that everyone sins and falls short of my glory. And I’m not even saying I’m all that cool; Jesus was just trying to basically say everyone’s shit stinks, so stop acting like yours doesn’t, Michele, you crazy eyed cultist nitwit.”
You can follow James on Twitter @JamesSchlarmann.