Exit Polling Shows Millions Of Americans Voted ‘Straight Fuck It All’ Ticket

Voting booths at Hermosa Beach City Hall during California Primary
Maybe some surprises in early analysis of exit polling data.

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — While the country and indeed the world sorts out the aftereffects and ramifications of how the Republican nominee was able to defy all odds and prognostications to become the 45th President of The United States of America, data analysts are hard at work on the exit polling data. The nation’s leading data analytics firm, DataTec, has released some very preliminary results of testing they did on yesterday’s exit polls. The results may be quite enlightening for some.

“Our data shows that approximately 59 million Americans went to the polls and cast votes for the Republican nominee,” Dr. Susan Meyers, DataTec’s CEO, told reporters this morning, “and all of them, literally all of them told us they were voting a straight ‘fuck it all’ ticket. Further polling data verifies this.”

Meyers said on a whole host of questions, people who voted for the Republican nominee “boldly embraced the fuck it mantra.”

“Environmental issues,” Meyers asked rhetorically, “had them overwhelmingly respond ‘fuck it.’ Racial equality? Fuck it too. Gender equality? Fuck it. The economy? Fuck it. National security? Fuck it. World peace and stability of NATO? Fuck it.”

For the next forty minutes Ms. Meyers listed off political issue after political issue and simply said, “Fuck it,” after each one.




“So basically,” Myers said, “no matter what the issue, nearly sixty million people decided the answer to other people’s plights is ‘fuck it.’ We don’t have any data on this, but we’re postulating that at some point the Republican will really, truly disappoint all the people who voted him in, and then the question will be how many Americans who didn’t want him to be president will them, ‘Fuck it.’ We estimate that number to be, roughly, all of them.”

 


Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

More from James Schlarmann

Marco Rubio Accidentally Conjures Beetlejuice

Senator Marco Rubio accidentally brought a menace of a ghost to the...
Read More