Drug Testing Welfare Recipients or “Why Americans Are Dicks With The Completely Wrong Way of Looking at Drugs”

Governor Rick Scott, the man who presides over the great state of Florida (the state we have to thank for at least four years of the Bush II administration) has signed a bill into law that will require drug-screens of the state’s welfare recipients.

What a dick.

Rick Scott’s signing of this bill is just yet another link in the chain of stupidity that this country prefers to hold itself up with as it pertains to our policy on drugs in general. In a country where it has become common place to force all sorts of chemicals onto each other from speed for kids with attention disorders to pills for old men whose boners don’t quite boner-up* enough for their liking anymore, our society is chock-full of drugs.

If Americans aren’t going to change our way of thinking on drugs, maybe we should just institute drug testing before everything we do. I propose the following activities also be tied to drug tests.

  • Taking a bath – You could drown if you’re high and you get into the tub
  • Having sex – You could drown if you’re high and you decide to go down on each other. It’d be a double tragedy if you’re in what doctors call “The 69.”
  • Voting – After all, no one who is on drugs is really a valid human being, so their vote kind of doesn’t count
  • Buying Groceries – You might over spend if you have the munchies, ultimately leading to welfare for you and your family. The taxpayers just can’t withstand that burden, Hippie!
  • Going to the bathroom – Nothing is more dangerous. If you’re high, you might not know when you’re done, and then you’ll sit and atrophy, needing intense medical care you can’t afford, again saddling the burden onto the taxpayers
  • Buying or Taking Drugs – You should be completely drug free before you make the decision to take drugs. Duh.

Of course, that’s total bullshit and stupid, just like the testing of welfare recipients for drugs.

What we should be doing is asking ourselves why we have a class of people barely subsisting on the absolute lowest rung of society. We should be asking why their outlets for therapy and medication are what they can essentially cook in their living rooms and buy from dealers in alleys. We should be asking ourselves what the root cause of this issue is.

Instead though, we’re telling them that now they better not numb the pain of their poverty-stricken existence before they ask for pittance from big brother. Does anyone else get an almost “Scrooge” vibe from this kind of legislature? Instead of fixing entitlement programs so they encourage personal growth, we just want to force everyone to pee into a cup before they get their food stamps.

Let’s also not forget that most drug pushers don’t accept food stamps as legal tender. At least none of the one’s I’ve done business with. That’s what I’ve heard any way. Welfare recipients aren’t spending their benefits on drugs. They’re spending whatever pittance they can get from somewhere else on drugs (if they even use drugs) and that’s why they need assistance in the first place.

Did we ask CEOs to submit to drug tests before we bailed them out? Shouldn’t we have gotten a piss-test back from the heads of the banks before they got their welfare bail-out funds and then turned around bonused themselves out with it?

Some argue, “well, if the rest of us have to take a drug test before we get a job, welfare recipients should have to take a drug best before they access to money we pay for.” This unearths the real issue at hand: Why are we allowing people to test us for drug use before we even accept a job? Nothing sounds more un-American to me than allowing someone to force me to piss into a cup before you give me a job. It’s no one’s business what substances I take, unless I kill someone while on them.

Over 70 years ago our country repealed the dumbest piece of legislation ever entered into our books: Prohibition of Alcohol. For some odd reason, we’ve not quite caught up when it comes to drugs. You can’t legislate morality, and as scary as it may sound, decriminalizing drugs is the only way to start building a healthier attitude towards them.

Or we can just continue to believe the propaganda we’ve been fed since birth, despite most of us having first hand knowledge that pot just makes you either hungry, sleepy or horny…or all three. Nothing is more fun then jerking off while eating a Twinkie sandwich in your sleep.

If the war on drugs were working, why are there MORE arrests? (Source: MediaMatters)


*(c)2011 The Garbage Chute Network




About James Schlarmann 2612 Articles
James is the founding contributor and editor-in-chief of The Political Garbage Chute, a political satire and commentary site, which can be found on Facebook as well. You definitely should not give that much a shit about his opinions.
  • Sam Hunt

    Have you ever lived in the ghetto? You have no idea what you’re talking about. I’ve seen this ludicrous scam firsthand. The majority of “poverty-stricken” people who draw welfare don’t /want/ ‘personal growth’, they just want free money–and in fact, a lot of them have jobs (sometimes very lucrative jobs!) that they don’t even report just so they get that free money! And half of them don’t even use the food stamps except to free up their actual paychecks so they can buy beer and drugs. And “drugs” does not wholly refer to pot and nothing else. There are a lot more drugs than that on the streets.

    I firmly believe that what you so crudely refer to as “piss tests” will do a lot to balance the nation’s budget problem and restore credibility to the honest people who actually DO need the ‘government’s pittance’ to supplement the income they receive from not gaming the system. EBT Cards should NOT go to people who roll up in their caddies, with their gold spinners, wearing designer clothes, smoking a joint and talking on their iPhones. Welfare should go to the people who actually give a shit about being honest.

    • Sam Hunt

      Not to mention the people that have children for the EXPRESS PURPOSE of receiving MORE welfare. Go set up shop on the “wrong side of the tracks” for a couple of years and you’ll see what I’m talking about. By the way, what kind of a journalist refers to “dicks” in his article title and doesn’t know the difference between “then” and “than”? Who is your editor, Larry Flynt?

  • I’d like to see you actually produce some numbers to back up your claims that a lot of Wellfare recipients have lucrative jobs. Let’s start there.

    Yes, pot is not the only drug out there. And yes, I’m in favor of decriminalizing ALL OF IT. Heroin, coke, whatever. Putting people behind bars for using drugs is absolutely archaic and does nothing to stop people from using or abusing them. If booze, tobacco and pharmaceutical drugs are legal, why isn’t everything? Maybe because the Pot Lobby isn’t as well funded as the tobacco and booze lobby?

    I’m the kind of journalist who uses the word “dicks” and other swear words, and if I made a typo between “than” and “then” all I ask is that you forgive me my sins.

    Thanks for reading, and I look forward to you producing your statistics on the number of Cadillac driving, baby farmin’ wellfare recipients (or as you might call them “black people”). Thanks!

  • VanceRitter1

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