NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Before taking a stroll around the Manhattan neighborhood that his Trump Tower sits in, Donald Trump was meeting with his campaign staff one last time. The polls were closed, and the votes were cast. Had he done it? Had he won?
The returns started to come in. Florida was his. Ohio was won by his team. And now it was looking more and more like his Rust Belt strategy was about to pay huge dividends. It was looking more and more like Trump would carry the day.
“It’s time to grab one for the Gipper,” Trump exclaimed.
Trump Staffers say they were extremely confused by their boss’s declaration. One campaign aide asked Trump what he meant, exactly. It’s at that point he found a female aide, spun her around to face him, and then without any warning, he grabbed her by the genitals. Looking squarely in her eyes, he said, “See? Grab one for the Gipper!”
The room got incredibly quiet. No one knew what to say or do. Then, Fox News called the election for Mr. Trump. Suddenly, shouts, screams and exclamations of joy flooded the room. Tears welled up in Trump staffer eyes. They’d indeed done it. And now, all of a sudden, no one could even remember why they were standing there, staring at the new President-elect with his hands in a woman’s crotch.
“Um, what was I saying,” Trump said, “you know, before they announced I’m the new ruler guy?”
No one in the room could remember. The joy of electoral victory had drowned out all other thought. There was nothing that Trump could have done before his political career started or after that would kill the buzz in the room, one aide would later tell reporters. All that really, truly mattered to everyone in the room — and they suspected in the country at large — was victory. The costs associated with victory, and any aftermath of victory just wasn’t pertinent to them.
“Well, I’m just going to go ahead and,” Trump said as he removed his hand from the female intern’s groin, “do this one…more…TIME.” He plunged his hand forward one more time. The woman seemed surprised yet again, but also a little unnerved. However, she said nothing.
Then, Trump suddenly turned toward a camera no one had noticed before. He looked right down its lens, “down the barrel,” as his Apprentice producers had taught him to do. He smiled a wry grin.
“It’s good to be the king,” Trump said. Donald Trump then did a victory lap around Manhattan, dark sulfurous clouds pouring from his butthole all the way.
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.