Donald Trump Claims Only Blue States Are Rigged

ORANGE LAKE, FLORIDA — At a campaign stop in Florida this morning, Republican presidential nominee and D-list reality-TV star Donald Trump told his supporters he was “updating” his theories on whether the election is rigged. Now, Trump says, he believes that only so-called Blue states — those that end up casting their Electoral College votes for Hillary Clinton — should be considered suspect.

“It’s really quite simple folks, quite simple really,” Trump told his audience outside Fast Fish, a popular seafood restaurant chain that Trump has been giving quite a few speeches in front of as he tours the country during his campaign, “the way I see it is that if I lose, clearly something was not on the up and up. Why? Because I never lose. My multiple failed businesses and bankruptcies show that. I never, ever, ever, friggin’ lose.”

Trump said that he believes the size of his campaign rallies is more than enough to show that he’s the “real winner” and “Crooked Hillary is the crooked loser she crooked is.”

“Check it out,” Trump said, “ask any Bernie Sanders supporter you meet. If you have the largest rally crowd sizes, you are guaranteed to win. Unless your competition rigs the election by having more people vote for them than you. Which is, clearly, a violation of the laws of nature.”

Mr. Trump said he doesn’t believe “so called scientific polls just because they’re scientific.” He said instead he trusts online polls that can be voted on multiple times by people and are completely and utterly useless to political scientists. Trump said he knows in his “heart of darkest hearts” that he’ll be victorious come Election Day, and if he isn’t, he’ll know that every state that goes for Clinton was rigged.

“I’m not saying you should, you know, start a bloody revolution in the street if we lose,” Trump said, “but just, you know, keep it on the back burner. I’m just saying that just because I get millions fewer votes than my rival, does that really mean I should lose the election? If literally millions upon millions fewer people think I have any business being president than her, does that really mean I lost, or that the election was rigged against me? Yup, you guessed it, rigged.”




Mr. Trump was asked  by reporters which states specifically Americans should watch closely for signs of rigging. He said that by his math “up to 30 or so states might end up being rigged” but that he’d have to wait for the election night results to see which states were or were not rigged against him.

“Oh, I think Nevada is one,” Trump answered, “and Ohio and Florida keep going back and forth between rigged and toss-up rigged. Then there’s a state like Arizona that everyone thought would be totally not rigged, and yet, as of this morning, I’m starting to think it’s rigged too. You just never can tell until all the votes are counted which election was rigged and which wasn’t. But the math is simple. If I have more votes, clearly nothing was amiss. If I don’t, then, well, it may be time to take Second Amendment solutions on put them back on the table.”

The alleged billionaire told his supporters that the “formula is very simple” for determining if the elections in their states were rigged or not.

“I win, not rigged. I lose, rigged,” Trump said matter of factly, “simple and elegant, like my dong.”

Current polling data has led the highly-touted FiveThirtyEight algorithm developed by statistician Nate Silver to give Hillary Clinton an 86% chance of winning at the time of publication.


Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

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About James Schlarmann 2287 Articles
James is the founding contributor and editor-in-chief of The Political Garbage Chute, a political satire and commentary site, which can be found on Facebook as well. You definitely should not give that much a shit about his opinions.
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