Editor’s Note: We were absolutely aghast when Co-President Donald contacted our small, independent media outlet and offered to write an op-ed. Mr. Trump’s initial contact didn’t mention what topic he’d be opining on, but after several tweets back and forth, we were able to settle on one: Himself. Namely, the first 100 days of his presidency. Mr. Trump wanted to give the American people a “sell job” on his accomplishments during that time, and we agreed to give him this web space to do just that.
My Fellow Americans (Non-Losers, Non-Democrats, Non-Haters Only),
Boy, this could not be going any better could it? My first 100 days in office have been marked by the biggest wins, the yoogest victories, you could ever ask for, really. The only way this whole shebang could have been better is if they’d let me full-blown president. But Vlad and Steve both really seem to think sharing the duties is better, and as much golfing as I’ve gotten to do as a result, I have to say I agree bigly.
My first hundred days have seen, some people are telling me anyway, the biggest, most important accomplishments not just of my life, but in this whole history of this great nation of ours. And of course by “ours” I mean “all white, Christian, heterosexual conservatives.”
I of course approved a daring and TOTALLY SUCCESSFUL raid in Yemen that the coward, weakling Obama didn’t have the balls to authorize, just because, like, conditions changed and they needed more intel. What a weakling. Just gotta say it folks, he was weak. You could tell by looking at him, really. Low energy. Certainly not a physical specimen like Yours Truly.
Ladies, try to keep your, whatevers, in your pants when you see this, okay?
I’m also very historical already, everyone. I’m the first and only president to have to fire his National Security Adviser for lying to the Vice-President. Of course, if you ask me this whole Russia thing is FAKE NEWS, and Vladimir said I’m right about that. But fine, okay, no big whoop. Fired Flynn. Bigly ‘complishment there.
Don’t forget, I had the biggest inauguration crowds in the history of the presidency, too. I don’t remember if it was 28 or 50 billion people that were there, but it was at least a squintillion. At the end of the day, I’m confident in how big it was because Ivanka told me it was a good size. But if crowd sizes aren’t what you care about, because you’re a commie or a Democrat or something, then I know you’ll be blown away by this next one.
In my first hundred days I successfully repealed and replaced Obamacare…in my mind. Why is that an accomplishment? Because the first step in getting something done, I’ve always believed, is telling yourself you can do it. Then, after you’ve tried and failed, and, say, have to file bankruptcy, you tell yourself you didn’t fail. In fact, you tell yourself you succeeded. That way, over time, you believe the lie and BING-BANG-BOOM: Obamacare is Done-zo.
One accomplishment I know I don’t have to lie to myself about is getting Judge Neil Gorsuch onto the Supreme Court. Justice Gorsuch continues a long tradition of stealing things from black people and taking credit for it like “jazz,” “the blues,” “rock and roll,” and “hip hop.” This confirmation is also yoogely yooge because they had to go nuclear, the Republicans, to get him in there. I love nukes, so this seems like a real good deal for the whole country. I’m being told that this pick was very rare indeed because it means that Neil is the first judge to be selected by two presidents — me and Vladimir Putin. And speaking of winning…
I’ve had not one, but two separate Muslim travel bans smacked down by the courts. Most presidents go, what, at least a year or two before having one of their executive orders tossed out by the judiciary. But not me, baby! I had my first, real order smacked down so hard the opinion from the court read like a remedial civics lesson for my administration. If one is good, then two is better, and my second Muslim ban got smacked down too! I never heard of a president having TWO orders struck down in less than a month, when he’s only been in office that amount of time.
Then there’s the countless other achievements of my first hundred days, of which I will give you a small sampling, now.
- Have only shit my pants twice.
- Ivanka really loved her new office and gave me a special job as thanks for it.
- I have bathed at least 50% of the days I’ve been in office.
- The sun has risen and set every single day since I took office.
- 2 +2 now = 4, not “Socialism” like it did with Obama.
- My farts now smell like cotton candy.
In conclusion, let me just say: Fuck, I’m awesome. And of course, you’re welcome.
You can follow James on Twitter @JamesSchlarmann.