UNDISCLOSED BUNKER, WYOMING — From his home in Wyoming, former Vice-President Dick Cheney began emailing members of the press over the weekend, saying he was “hella bummed” that the in-fighting between Republican presidential contenders Jeb! Bush and Donald Trump didn’t mention his name even once.
“I’m hella bummed that my name wasn’t even mentioned in the cat fight between Jeb and Trump,” Cheney said in one email, “because what was the point of all that war mongering if I’m not going to be the first person people mention when they talk about the government failing to stop the 9/11 attacks.” Cheney said he “wouldn’t have gone on TV shows every Sunday for weeks” in the lead up to the Iraq War if he’d have known “none of it would pay off, other than the millions of dollars dumped by the truckload” into his bank account.
Cheney was referring to the barrage of tweets that Trump and Jeb! fired at one another regarding whether or not Jeb!’s brother George? was in some way responsible for not stopping the attacks on September 11th, 2001 that left over 3000 Americans dead and the former World Trade Center in a smoking pile of rubble. The 9/11 Commission that was established by Congress to investigate the terrorist attacks was able to persuade the Bush Administration to declassify notes from a presidential briefing held in August of 2001 that shows Bush and Cheney received credible information of a planned, multi-stage terrorist attack to take place in the U.S. One New York Times reporter in 2012 claimed to have read even more of the classified documents from that same year, prior to the attacks, and claims they show “significantly more negligence than has been disclosed” by the Bush Administration.
“I’m not saying we planned 9/11, even I’m not that cruel and evil in my pursuit of blood money,” Cheney said in one of his emails, “but I still encouraged George to place little value in all the warnings we got about Bin Laden’s plot so we could focus on finishing my beef with Saddam. So can’t I at least get credit for helping create a lot of the negligence that lead to our guard being down that day?”
It’s estimated that Cheney’s Haliburton netted roughly $39.5 billion in profit from its involvement in the Iraq War. “You would think all that sweet, sweet blood money would buy me at least a mention in the conversation of who let us down on 9/11, but nooooooo,” Cheney said in another email. He also asked reporters to question both Jeb! and Trump in the next debate as to why they “completely ignored [his] pivotal role in setting the country up to be caught with its pants down and its hands in the cookie jar.”
“I understand it’s been almost a decade and a half since 9/11,” Cheney said in yet another email, “but have Americans really already forgotten how important I was in that administration? Have Americans forgotten my quiet leadership? The whole reason George won in the first place is that he stacked his team with people conservative Republican voters trusted from the Reagan Era; everyone knew it was going to be us really calling the shots. So why come all of a sudden only George is getting credit for being a lousy fuck-up on the 9/11 warnings?”
Cheney concluded the last of his 13 emails to the press by saying, “I was in the room too. I was given the information several times that year. I could have helped pivot the co-president to gearing up to at least try to thwart the attacks that fateful day…but I didn’t. I fell asleep on the job and to add injury to insult, I then parlayed my negligence into billions of dollars for my bank accounts. Maybe George and I don’t deserve the blame for the attacks themselves, but can’t we at least share the blame for not taking the warnings about them more seriously? Sheesh. What’s the point of being Vice-President for eight years if you can’t even get a modicum of blame for one of its worst mistakes?”