WASHINGTON, D.C. — Citing a need to make the “direction, tone, tenor, and goals” of her Department of Education as “clear as possible,” Betsy DeVos has issued an official memorandum, directing all future educational decrees framed and hammered into the walls outside of every school in the nation.

Ms. DeVos was confirmed as the Secretary of Education after a fierce battle in the Senate that saw thousands and thousands of Americans jamming congressional phone banks, protesting her nomination. DeVos has come under fire for the poor performance of Michigan charter schools she oversaw, as well as for her abysmal performance in her confirmation hearings. However, in a truly historic moment, Vice President Mike Pence cast the tie-breaking vote in the Senate, and Ms. DeVos was later sworn in as education secretary.

“These decrees are going to be very important for the success of the new direction we’re going in,” DeVos’ memo states, “and therefore, I do not want any equivocation on them. I do not want any student to have the excuse that they were ignorant of my decrees. Therefore, they will all be printed out, framed, and hammered into the walls outside every school in the country.”

DeVos’ memo also gave a list of the first several decrees she’d be issuing over the next days and weeks. In all, there were over 350 separate edicts listed. Below, is a sampling of the most noteworthy decrees.

• Secretary DeVos has instructed all school globes to be immediately flattened.
• Secretary DeVos will issue every science class in the nation a new textbook called, “The Holy Bible.”
• Secretary DeVos will implement “pure thoughts only” sex ed class where it’s taught the only way to prevent pregnancy is literally to never even think about sex, ever. Even after you’re married.
• Secretary DeVos will decree that teachers are banned from giving students any information that is not strictly related to the subjects they are paid to teach.
• Secretary DeVos has indicated that ALL WEASLEY PRODUCTS WILL BE BANNED IMMEDIATELY.
• Secretary DeVos will insist that students pledge allegiance to the flag, God, Donald Trump, and Steve Bannon.
• Secretary DeVos will have all history textbooks start at the signing of the Declaration of Independence and end with Donald Trump being sworn in, skipping any Demcoratic presidents or liberal activism, meaning each history book will only be two pages long and save the taxpayers millions of dollars.
• Secretary DeVos will decree that THOSE WISHING TO JOIN THE INQUISITORIAL SQUAD for Extra Credit May sign up in the High Inquisitor’s OFFICE.
• Secretary DeVos has deemed it necessary to get education back to “The Three R’s.” Renouncing Satan, reading the Bible, and reading the Bible again.
• Secretary DeVos will decree that pre-college schooling will now end after fifth grade. Students are then free to join the workforce as God intended them to do at that age.
• Secretary DeVos will make “learning too much” during a school year a Class 5 Offense, punishable by death and/or expulsion.
• Secretary DeVos will officially declare disabled kids as deserving “a lesser, but okayish” education that’s drastically different from “the regulars.”
• Secretary DeVos will declare that any student found in possession of the magazine The Quibbler will be expelled.
• Secretary DeVos will put an immediate end to any unauthorized games of “Heads Up, 7-up” being played on American campuses.
• Secretary DeVos will require all schools to offer a first period Inquisitions class in which non-believer students are rounded up and mildly tortured into confessing their sins.

Sub-President Trump told reporters this morning he’s “very pleased” with the proposed decrees Ms. DeVos has shown him. Trump said that he’ll be adding some decrees to the list as well, as the weeks go on. He said that “educationalizing the kids” is one of his top priorities.

“Gotta have super smart kids,” Trump said, “just not too smart, know what I mean? If they’re too smart they start asking questions about what happens when the money doesn’t trickle down, how come women should have their genitals considered a pre-existing condition, and all kinds of questions they should just keep their stupid little a-hole mouths shut about.”

This is a developing story.

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