Darth Disgusting – Newt Gingrich, New Dark Lord of the Sith

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The Four Horsemen!

Just when I thought the field of GOP nominees for next year’s Presidential election couldn’t get more scary, we see Newt Gingrich gaining momentum. That’s right. The man whose campaign nearly imploded six or seven months ago after most of his staff walked out on him like Newt Gingrich walks out on wives dying cancer is now leading Mitt Romney for his party’s nomination.

When pondering the idea of this relic of  the “Contract with America” era of American politics, I only have one clear, cogent thought: WHAT THE FUCK?!

He's more machine now than man, twisted and evil...

Seriously, Republicans? Are you all so maddeningly desperate to eschew President Obama that you’d sign a pact with a Dark Lord of  the Sith to do so? The man is pure evil. He’s like Dick Cheney without the hardware pumping battery acid through his veins. In fact, the only reason this could be worse is if suddenly in the next debate Newt rips off his face to reveal that he’s been Cheney all along. And I wouldn’t be surprised at all if that actually fucking happened!

Newt Gingrich is a cartoon character. He’s a walking, talking metaphor for everything that is wrong about the old school fiscal and social Conservative. The ideas of compassion, empathy and taking care of your fellow man, all of which were beliefs held by the greatest Republican President of all time, Abraham Lincoln, are all completely foreign concepts to this man.

He invokes the name of Ronald Reagan incessantly, trying to force a similarity that just isn’t there. No matter how much I abhor his fiscal theories that have dominated the GOP’s financial platform for three decades now, Ronald Reagan had one quality that Newt Gingrich will never have: likability. No one can really like Newt. He’s the asshole know-it-all at the bar that everyone listens to just so they can get him to shut up sooner.

Reagan salutes his business partner, Satan.

But more than his personality defects, what makes Gingrich so dangerous for this country are his theories on what makes America great, and what needs to be done to make this country better. Under a Gingrich Presidency, taxes will be cut for the rich so much that the income gap will be its highest, perhaps ever. As that gap grows, the discontent grows, and it will not be long until the Occupy protests go from mostly non-violent to anything but.

Yes, I realize that I am prognosticating on a level that is usually reserved for Fox News pundits. I realize that my doom and gloom predictions for a Gingrich administration are perhaps no different than Sean Hannity warning that President Obama is about to turn America into The People’s Republic of America. However, in this one case, I have to believe it’s true.

However, there is one silver-lining to this whole debacle. Should Newt pull of a miracle and win his party’s nomination, a second Obama term will be all but guaranteed. There is no way that someone so hopelessly stuck in the past, so tragically devoted to the all mighty dollar, so willing to sacrifice the poor and middle class so that he and his golfing pals and fellow lobbyists can continue their reign of terror over the American political system  can win against Obama.  Obama stands for all that is hopeful and good about this country.

Wait. There’s a new poll out that says that half of the country wants Obama out, no matter how bad they feel about the GOP list of options?

Nevermind. Well, America was fun while it lasted…





About James Schlarmann 2617 Articles
James is the founding contributor and editor-in-chief of The Political Garbage Chute, a political satire and commentary site, which can be found on Facebook as well. You definitely should not give that much a shit about his opinions.
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