D.C. Area Pigeon Promises to ‘S*** All Over’ Cheney Statue ‘Like He S*** All Over This Country’

portrait grey dove isolated on a white background
A Dick Cheney Statue is going to be installed at the U.S. Capitol, and one pigeon has pledged to do his part in response.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Senate Republicans who normally do not want a single extra penny leaving the government coffers decided to spend some tax dollars on a statue honoring one of the country’s Vice Presidents. Citing an 1898 statue that declared that marble busts of Vice Presidents — who serve as presidents of the Senate — will be put on display every so often. The newest statue will be the likeness of Dick Cheney, one of the chief architects of the Iraq War and George W. Bush’s Vice President and boss for eight years.

“We just felt like a war monger hasn’t gotten his due respect in awhile,” Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell told reporters recently, “and since Andrew Jackson was a Democrat and never Vice President, we decided to go with our favorite blood thirsty butcher, Dick Cheney. We’re pretty sure everyone will love that we spent some of their hard-earned money lionizing him.”

McConnell, however, clearly did not speak to Pidgey the Pigeon. Pidgey has lived in the D.C. area for 15 years, which is at the outside of how long his species usually lives. Pidgey says he is “non-partisan” because as he puts it, he’s a “goddamned pidgeon,” but he says that he was “deeply offended” nonetheless by the choice of Cheney because as he puts it, “you could throw a rock into the field of choices and hit someone better than Cheney.”

“As God as my witness,” Pidgey told reporters at a recent press conference, “I will shit all over that statue like he shit all over this country.” Pidgey said that he wasn’t too concerned with capitol security preventing him from getting inside. “I have my ways, believe me. I will get into that building, and I will lay waste to that scumbag’s bust,” Pidgey said with pride and indigence.

When Pidgey was asked why he was so angry about the decision to honor Cheney, he said that “every American should be horrified that a liar like Cheney is being honored.” Pidgey’s assertion is that “until someone can invent a way to bring all of the over 4,000 American lives and the countless Iraqi lives Cheney is responsible for snuffing out back” that “the only place Cheney belongs is in the Hague, standing trial for his war crimes.”

“This is not unlike southern states that still have statutes dedicated to Jefferson Davis, Nathaniel Bedford Forrest, or General Lee,” Pidgey said, “it’s a bold declaration by certain political types that they don’t care about reality. They don’t care about history. They don’t care about the fact that his man, this Dick Cheney, for no other reasons than war and pride, drug us into the absolutely stupidest war we’d been in since the Vietnam War. And I’ll remind everyone, this cowardly bastard signed up all your sons and daughters to die when he never served a damn day in his life in any branch of the armed forces!”

Pidgey said that he will make sure to “eat all the stuff” that makes him defecate “the most” in the days leading up to the unveiling of the Cheney bust. “It’s a good thing they’re using marble, because I had planned to turn that thing whiter than his face will be when he answers to the Universe for what he did,” Pidgey said, “but still, no reason I can’t make that marble shine with the sheen of bird turd, right? Right.”

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