WASHINGTON, D.C. — Friends and colleagues of White House senior adviser Kellyanne Conway say they are growing “alarmed,” “concerned,” and “worried” about her. Concern is growing, friends say, after Conway’s head-scratching interview with columnist Mike Kelly, Conway suggested that not only did former-President Obama order surveillance on the Trump campaign, but that he might have used technology such as microwaves that become cameras to do so. Her support network was so concerned for her, that they staged an intervention Monday morning, but it had an unforeseen, perhaps disastrous outcome.
Ms. Conway was found in her D.C.-area backyard, freebasing chemtrails in a tent made of tinfoil, and ranting about how she knows that the Bowling Green Massacre was an “inside false flag.”
“So we went over to Kellyanne’s house around eight in the morning,” one source speaking on the condition of anonymity told us, “and she found her out back in a tent she made out of tin foil. She had a crack torch in one hand, a spoon full of concentrated chemtrails in the other, and she was high as I’ve ever seen anyone.”
White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer attended the intervention. He later told reporters that the Trump administration is “concerned” for Conway’s health, but that “what she’s ranting and raving like a fucking lunatic about is very real, and should be taken as seriously as Pizzagate.”
“Look, I don’t want to get ahead of the president here,” Spicer told the press pool at a briefing, “but Ms. Conway is speaking about things we feel are very impugned-impotato-impostor-impastafarian-IMPORTANT and should not be ignored. What she’s ranting and raving like a fucking lunatic about is very real, and should be taken as serious as Pizzagate. We want a full investigation.”
Co-President Steve Bannon came out from underneath the bridge he’s called home since his partner, Co-President Trump, was sworn in and gave a short statement.
“Kellyanne Conway has the full confidence of me and my administration,” Bannon said, “and anyone who’s read Breitbart or InfoWars in the last eight years know that Obama not only has been using secret microwave camera tech to spy on us, he’s had back up in the form of Sharia Brain Wave Transmitters installed in every Arby’s, Hardee’s, and Wal-Mart parking lot across rural America, you know, REAL America?”
Grimma Stephen Miller, White Senior policy adviser, told several outlets on Monday that he was “proud and pleased” to be associated with Ms. Conway after her comments.
“It’s take a certain brave nature,” Miller said, “to tell the public the truth, even if you have to make it up as you go along and sound like a stark, raving, mad lunatic in the process. Also, have you seen a big IV bag full of blood? I’m thirsty AF at the moment.”
Co-President Trump, stopped by the White House press pool as he went to Burger King to get a Whopper and fries, told reporters that he was backing Conway “all the way.” He also said that the American public should get used to “governing by conspiracy theory.”
“Not only did Ted Cruz’s father help plot to kill Kennedy,” Trump said, “but Alex Jones told me last night that Barack Obama was the second gunman on the grassy knoll! And Steve was telling me that Breitbart did a series a few years ago on how Michelle Obama is a transgender cyborg from the future, sent back in time to kill John Connor. These are real things people, that need to be treated as seriously as my reality-TV presidency.”
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.