WASHINGTON, D.C. — Conservative outrage over selectively edited videos put out by the right-wing watchdog group The Center for Medical Progress that allegedly show Planned Parenthood officials discussing the harvesting of fetal tissue and organs and selling the biomaterial to the highest bidder is building to a fever pitch on the Hill. For those who exist outside the shielding effects of the ACME/Newscorp Official Conservative Media Bubble, the videos are clearly edited to remove all the subtext, and meant to inject a narrative that lines up with the group’s anti-abortion stance, but for many congressional Republicans, this is the kind of red meat that chums the base’s waters the most, and there is a movement among them to strip Planned Parenthood of all its funding in response to the videos that don’t conclusively show anything other than medical professionals speaking in a scientifically literate, sterile way about medical procedures.
“Sure, we know that Planned Parenthood’s abortion services only make up roughly 3% of their business,” said Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI), “but we think that millions of women should lose access to other 97% of the low-cost, vital health services they provide because, and I hope I’m not being too complicated here, Muh Dead Babies.” Ryan said that he “doesn’t give a hoot” that the overwhelming majority of abortions performed in this country are done in the first trimester when there is a very high chance of miscarriage to begin with. “A miscarriage is only an abortion in the sense that it’s your body terminating the pregnancy before the fetus grows to full term, where as an abortion is terminating the pregnancy before the fetus grows to full term in a medical facility! If you can’t see the difference, I can’t help you.”
While some of Ryan’s colleagues are hastily preparing legislation that would strip Planned Parenthood of all its federal funding, money that helps them provide cancer screenings to poor women, others took matters into their own hands. Over the weekend on the floor of The House of Representatives, 75 conservative Christian Republican members of congress led a mass citizenship ceremony for Fetal Americans — all the unborn fetuses, zygotes, and blastocysts throughout the country. The idea, say the organizers, was to give blanket citizenship to all unborn humans, extending the protections of the constitution to them, and thereby making any procedure that terminates a human life, no matter how microscopic and undeveloped it is, outright murder.
“It’s one thing to give these Fetal Americans 14th Amendment protections, but we can’t do that until they are officially American citizens, so we’re here to day to declare all the fetuses gestating in America today official American citizens, excluding illegal aliens of course,” said Rep. Steve King (R-IA). King adding, “their babies are hereby considered candidates for immediate catapulting back over to Mexico, where all immigrants come from.”
House Republicans acknowledged that their tactic “may not be completely quote-unquote legal,” as Rep. Darrell Issa (R-CA) put it, but that they “aren’t afraid to bend a few rules in the name of religious self-rightouesness.” Others have said that despite criticisms and accusations of hypocrisy, that being so fervently anti-abortion that one supports laws that outlaw it completely squares with their small government philosophies.
“Undoubtedly,” Rep. Justin Amash (R-MI), “government is at its smallest when it’s up your skirt or down your trousers.” Amash went on to point out that “laws that are based on a religious understanding of the procreation process and ignore the reality of medical viability” are “as American as you can get” because “nothing says America like blindly deciding your unprovable faith is worth robbing Americans of their own liberties for.”
The celebration and excitement of mass citizenship for all Fetal Americans was short-lived, however. Just a day after the ceremony, almost 50% of the newly minted Fetal Americans had died from miscarriages, but Rep. Trent Franks (R-AZ), has sworn to investigate every single one as potential homicides. “You just can’t know,” Franks told reporters, “whether a fetus is killed God’s way via miscarriage that can have medical complications, or Satan’s way which is using safe and sterile medical procedures and instruments to minimize damage to the mother.”
“I will not rest,” Franks said, “until I am sure that every single potential human being is born, no matter how many billions of other humans we have living today that my party is expressly against helping in any way, shape or form. I will not sleep until I can have my head hit the pillow in full knowledge that every microscopic organism that has zero chance of surviving away from its host organism is more important in the eyes of the government than those same host organisms. Because nothing says ‘liberty’ and ‘freedom’ like telling someone how, when, and why they should fuck. Duh-doyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.”