MOSCOW D.C, RUSSIA — At an event at their flagship store in the American Capital, Moscow, Russian toy retailer Detsky Mir today announced their 2017 top 5 must have Christmas toys for children across the country this festive season.
5th PLACE — PEE PEE TAPE
In at 5th place, a new product on the Russian toy market this year, the PEE PEE TAPE will make your child the most popular child of all as they use it to blackmail their friends into doing whatever they want them to. For an extra cost, you can even have a personalised PEE PEE TAPE showing any enemy of yours in a compromising position.
4th PLACE — TWITTER BOT
Writing your own Tweets calling a professor, writer, producer, journalist, musician, comedian, or well respected member of the community a libtard is SO 2016 — But fear not, because this year your puny-Putin doesn’t have to be left in the past when you buy them their very own Russian Twitter Bot to troll people who think sexual assault is a bad thing.
3rd PLACE — NUCLEAR WARHEAD
Although down two places from last year, the Nuclear Warhead is still a popular choice for Christmas this year. Available in two styles — fission and fusion, your child can pretend to be their very own world leader this holiday season as they threaten the neighbours with nuclear annihilation.
2nd PLACE — THE FLYNN
Another new toy on the market this year is THE FLYNN, a life size and realistic former US Army General called Michael. Buy your little dictator THE FLYNN this Christmas and watch them be the envy of their friends as they use their new toy to infiltrate the circles of their classmates and obtain their deepest secrets to use as leverage.
1st PLACE — WESTERN DEMOCRACY
The runaway winner in first place however was the Western Democracy. Speaking at the event, company CEO, Vladimir Chirakhov, said; “2017 is the year of patriotism across world, and here in Russia, things no different. Little adults want to be like just leader almighty Vladamir Putin, and as we know all, he have big Western Democracy to play with for last Christmas year, when he bought self United American States. This year, future dictators and dictatoresses are already asking their mommy servant of the state and their daddy servant of the state to buy them their own Western Democracy.”
When asked by a reporter if Detsky Mir would be able to keep up with the demand for this number 1 toy, Chirakhov replied; “I don’t like question of yours, and now, see family of yours you never again will.” Moments later as the reporter was being dragged out of the room by two security guards, Mr Chirakhov added; “I understand many parents be reluctant to spend money this much on child toy, but fear not, with Western Democracy, return is high on initial purchase. Look at our leader almighty, he already made much of cost back through dodgy deals.”