Chick-Fil-A Offers to Move Headquarters to and Build 10,000 New Stores In North Carolina

ATLANTA, GEORGIA — Fast food chicken establishment Chick-Fil-A has reportedly contacted the North Carolina Chamber of Commerce and offered to move its corporate headquarters from Atlanta to somewhere in the state, and has proposed the construction of 10,000 new locations there as well.

“We at Chick-Fil-A want to honor the North Carolina government’s decision to bring their state backward a decade or two,” Chick-Fil-A Junior Deputy Assistant Media Liaison Chip Bufferton told reporters this morning, “and we’re mulling several ways to do just that. One of those ways would be to move our corporate HQ there.”

Bufferton said that the idea was bandied about the corporate boardroom last week as Chick-Fil-A executives started discussing the numerous companies that have said that they will either pull out of North Carolina or halt expansion projects in the state in response to Governor Pat McCrory signing HB2 into law. That bill gives wide berth for discriminating against LGBT+ people, especially transgender men and women who use a bathroom not designed for their birth gender.

“Of course, we don’t discriminate against anyone in our locations,” Bufferton said, “and we’ll take anyone’s money from them. But privately, secretly, some of us are bigoted as fuck, as the saying goes.”

Mr. Bufferton said that if they don’t end up moving the corporate headquarters to North Carolina, Chick-Fil-A has several options they are looking into to show support for North Carolina’s decision to “defend traditional places of pooping and peeing.”

“Opening up to 10,000 new stores in the state is one option,” Bufferton said, “and we’re also thinking of having a nationwide ‘Yay North Carolina!’ day where a portion of all our proceeds from every store in the country would go to North Carolina.”

Chick-Fil-A is also considering similar efforts in other states that have adopted laws like that in North Carolina, Bufferton told us.

“We’re even considering splitting our corporate HQ between three or four states that have shown the most bravery in standing up for the truly oppressed people in this country — white, evangelical Christians,” Bufferton said, “and we think there should be more companies defending states’ rights to discriminate. Because that’s what freedom is, really. The freedom to make someone else miserable because you find them icky.”

This is a developing story.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

    • Are you crazy, It’s time to eat more Chik-Fil A,and I’m from the great state of North Carolina and I’m sure the majority of people from this great state are so happy about our Governor

      • Hey stupid, the polls show the MAJORITY of residence and businesses in NC are VERY UNHAPPY with this ignorant governor and his bigoted policy and laws. Why? Because billions of dollars have been lost and will continue. Bye Bye Birdie 😉

  1. Lets see…paypal wants to leave and chic fil a wants to move in. Ill take chic fil a and their thousands of jobs and values they will bring. Didnt know it would be this easy to clean up the state and bring good jobs here. Now we need to get Trump elected so that all those threatening to leave the United States will go…more trash gone. Dont know what we will do when all of the true bigots and those that are the truly intolerant are gone…

  2. If you can’t recognize this is a satire, then you obviously can’t do math. That would mean 200 new chick-fil-a’s in EACH of NC’s 50 counties.

  3. Unlike you, Mr. Schlamann, and the rest of your perverted (look the word up in a dictionary) friends, North Carolina’s governor, Pat McCrory made the decision that governments 1st responsibility is to protect the REAL safety of ALL people instead of protecting a few confused emotionally challenged people from having their feelings hurt. What price shall we put on the safety of women and children and the protection of their privacy while in a restroom or shower? Good riddance to all those businesses who are willing to sacrifice that safety and privacy in the interest of the feelings of a few. Let them put their money where their mouth is and provide psychological counseling to those individuals who can’t deal with hurt feelings.

    • To people who would attempt to smear transgender people as insane or inauthentic, particularly those people who “cite” the DSM in the process…

      In the DSM, Gender Identity Disorder was changed to Gender Dysphoria. And not even all trans people are dysphoric. When we are, it is a symptom of a biological issue and of an unaware, uncaring, and even hateful world. It is certainly not insanity. The terminology was changed by consensus to reflect this reality.

      However, the APA does consider those with a sufficient level of bigotry to have a form of psychosis. Such as those who go out of their way to malign transgender people.

      To elaborate, “biological sex” is contextual. Psychologists are referring to “assigned at birth.” However there is solid evidence that trans people, trans women for example, experience incongruent waves of hormones in the womb, leading to a “girl brain” in a boy body. And since gender identity is crystallized at a very young age, those with “girl brains” are perceiving themselves as girls, and rightfully so.

      As well, puberty does admittedly hybridize the brain to an extent, except for in the “lucky” case of Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome, in which case testosterone has no effect whatsoever (a puberty which could have been avoided anyway with early medical intervention). However, sense of self does not change, as someone’s self-reflection regarding gender is already set in stone. As well, the brain can swiftly be thoroughly feminized all over again within a mere four months on hormone therapy. We are in a very meaningful way BIOLOGICALLY who we say we are. And on a brief side note, an obsessive hinging on very specific language devoid of context or insight can be a sign of a severe mental illness.

      Honestly, we are tired of psychotics who self-identify as psychologists smearing their excrement everywhere in an attempt to project their own severe issues onto innocent people.

      P.S. Confused means “unable to think clearly; in a stupor.” It is clear to me that you are the one who is confused.

  4. They in NC gonna be some chicken eaten mo foes 😉 …..meanwhile the Ban on Chik-Fil-A grows across the rest of the country and they’re left with businesses only in NC & States that hate. When those states change their policy, NO ONE will ever eat at CHIKFILA again!

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