CDC Reports 65% Fewer “Happy Holidays” Related Heart Attacks This Christmas Weekend

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump declared victory for the forces of Merry Christmas in the decades-long War on Christmas this past weekend.

In a tweet, Trump took credit for “leading the charge” and making it acceptable to use the phrase “Merry Christmas” in America again. Trump of course was referring to the law signed by President John F. Kennedy in 1962 that made it illegal to say the phrase under the penalty of imprisonment in Alcatraz. The site of incarceration was moved to FEMA camps all during the Barack Hussein Obama Democrat presidency, which does not technically count.

When Mr. Trump declared victory in the War on Christmas, it was expected that instances of formerly repressed Christians using the phrase once again would spike dramatically. Preliminary studies seem to bear that prediction out. However, the Centers for Disease Control made an announcement today that might surprise even the most ardent fan of “Merry Christmas.”

ALSO:

Disappointed Eric Trump Told SpaceX Launch Was Not Actually Santa’s Sleigh

The CDC is reporting that the instances of cardiac arrest induced by hearing “Happy Holidays” has seen a dramatic and nearly overnight precipitous fall. According to the CDC, people who are offended when they don’t hear their holiday greeting of choice are among the “most fragile and sensitive creatures on Earth,” and they are prone to heart attacks when they don’t hear “Merry Christmas” shouted back at them with glee.

“We used to see sixteen, seventeen Happy Holidays-induced heart attacks an hour here,” Dr. Chet Scadeaux of St. Mary’s of God’s Holy Precum told reporters yesterday morning in a post-Christmas press conference, “but President Trump dropped that number all the way to 2!”

According to the CDC, dealing with the casualties of the War on Christmas has always presented unique and difficult obstacles for the country’s medical professionals. They estimate that hospitals around the country exhaust around 56% of their yearly staffing and supplies budget helping people who are traumatized and injured when they don’t hear “Merry Christmas” during the holidays. Dr. Scadeaux says that after Trump declared the country a “safe space for sensitive people with easily hurt feelings,” an immediate impact was seen and felt by the staff at his hospital.

“It’s pretty nice because we weren’t tripping all over white robes and half-burnt crosses this year,” Scadeaux told reporters.

You can read more satire like this every day on The Political Garbage Chute and Alternative Facts.

More satire:

Papa John’s Promises Ousting John Schnatter As CEO Will Not Make Pizzas “Any Less Shit-Tastic Or Cardboardrific”

More from James Schlarmann

G.I. Joe and COBRA Weigh-In On “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”

The military’s “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy on homosexual soldiers in service,...
Read More