But enough about what gives me massive anger-rections (those are what I call the boners I get when I think about killing Medicare or forcing rape victims to have their rapists babies). Frankly Santa, it’s just time for you to go. If this country is ever going to get back on track, we simply have to ignore all temptation. Christmas under your guidance has become a wasteland of toys, commercials and almost no mention of Jesus. We have to fix that, because as you know, without Jesus there are morals. And without morals there is crime and poverty.
I started thinking about this, and in economic times like these, when the nation is recovering, albeit slowly, from an economic collapse, it may be harder this year to find anything to be truly thankful for. People still are struggling to find work in certain parts of the country. People are still probably a little bitter about their guy losing the election. So in the interest of raising spirits, I came up with three things that every single American, regardless of political ideology, can give a heartfelt thank you to the universe for.
“…in order for real, genuine Republicans to vote for Romney, something has to be off. They have to swallow their ideals, hold their nose, and hope that Romney plays ball so that Ryan and the NeoCon cabinet that a President Romney would most certainly install can get to work turning us into the model of Austerity for the New World. I can actually hear the erection forming in Paul Ryan’s pants over that prospect, can’t you?”
I of course am openly rooting for an Obama victory. I happen to think he’s easily deserving of a second term. However, being the eternal optimist that I am, I’ve been trying to figure out if there are any upsides to a President Mitt Romney reality. And I think I’ve got give upsides here that we should all be very thankful for, should Romney win in a few days.
This country has to decide at some point to stop ignoring climate science, and I believe that time is now. More and more people are starting to come around to the conclusions that are essentially unavoidable. If Romney doesn’t think he looks like a Luddite, foolishly clinging to “Drill, baby, drill” and “clean coal, FTW” he’s sorely mistaken. Climate science may not be a determining factor in this year’s election, but in years to come, the GOP had better shape up, or just like gender equality and immigration policy, they’ll be leading from behind. Again.
Over in Republicastan, they’re telling their devoted flock that Vice-President Biden was a big, mean ol’ bully and that Paul Ryan won on “substance.” I think I might have actually figured out what “substance” means to the Republicans. And Joe Biden described it perfectly as “malarkey.” But as it turns out, I think Paul Ryan did actually win a few things last night. And here are five of them for you now.