WASHINGTON, D.C. — When outgoing speaker John Boehner told Rep. Trey Gowdy he could not move his Benghazi hearing to Salem, Massachusetts as the South Carolina Republican had hoped to do, he was left scrambling. Gowdy had to have the “special interrogative tools” he had planned to install in the courthouse in Salem set up in the Congressional hearing room back in D.C. that would host former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton as she testified before Gowdy’s committee, but reports are coming in that with just a few minutes left before the hearing is to start, that the dunking tank Gowdy special-ordered from a Halloween spirit store will not be ready in time.

“I’m tremendously bummed out,” Gowdy reportedly told staff, according to anonymous sources. He reportedly also broke down in near tears as he said, “All I wanted to do was tie her up, dunk her under water, and see if she floated. That was the one damn thing I wanted do today, and it’s RUINED now!” Then after realizing that some members of the press could hear him outside the chamber, he quickly added, “Oh yeah, and I wanted to get to the truth or whatever the hell.”

Gowdy’s aides alerted him to a shipping problem that left half the pieces for the dunk tank stuck between Massachusetts and Washington, and that there just simply wouldn’t be any time to find parts anywhere else in town. “Fine,” Gowdy reportedly said, “I guess we’ll have to hold a regular, old, boring-ass congressional hearing with like testimony and questions and stuff.”

“I guess if we can’t dunk Ms. Clinton in a tank to see if she floats, we can at least feed her the witch cakes my wife made for this event, and we still have that stack of Bibles we built to weigh her against,” Gowdy reportedly said as he was trying to build himself back up from his disappointment over the dunk tank. “That’ll just have to do, for now, I guess,” Gowdy said reluctantly.

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