ENCHANTED FOREST, KINGDOM OF DAVENTRY — Knights working at the behest of King Graham held a royal press conference and announced that they were conducting an exhaustive manhunt in the Kingdom of Daventry.
“Considering who it is we’re looking for, of course,” the head knight told reporters, “maybe we should call it a wolf hunt.”
According to King Graham’s royal knights, on Wednesday of this week someone known throughout the kingdom as The Big Bad Wolf destroyed the homes of two little pigs, and attempted to destroy the home a third. Contrary to popular cultural stereotypes, Mr. Big Bad doesn’t have black fur. Instead, his fur is a multicolored, mostly blonde mange with splotches of red and obvious patches where he’s combed over the fur from other parts of his body to cover the thinning areas.
While the wolf was stopped on his third attempt, the first two left homes made of straw and sticks in ruin. Though both porcine residents were able to escape with just minor injuries, the financial toll on the two will be “devastating,” one knight said.
“Big Bad Wolf approached each little pig,” Sir Terrence Gillum told kingdom reporters, “and offered to make their homes great again. Given that he’s an obvious predator, each pig was quite skeptical of the wolf’s offer.”
When he was rebuffed, Big Bad Wolf changed tactics and attempted to scare the pigs into letting him inside their homes, “just to chat,” he reportedly told them.
“The first two pigs,” Gillum said, “actually took Big Bad up on his offer. That’s when things took a turn for the disastrous.”
According to Sir Gillum, Big Bad Wolf told the pig in the straw house and the pig in the stick house to close their eyes and he’d make their homes great again. Drawing a deep breath, the wolf pushed a blast of air out of his lungs powerful enough to topple the straw and stick homes with ease. The wolf reportedly laughed at the pigs.
“There, your home is great again,” the wolf said, “you’re very welcome.”
The first two pigs protested. They were angry and upset. How could he do this to them, they asked, after he said he’d make their houses great again. The wolf laughed yet again.
“I did make your houses great again,” the wolf said.
“No, you destroyed them,” the straw house pig exclaimed.
“Sometimes you have to completely and utterly destroy something to, you know, make it great again,” the wolf said. And he trundled off down the path with a shrug. He came upon a third pig, whose home was built of brick and had been fortified by engineers with decades of experience and knowledge in structural security. The wolf made similar overtures to the third pig, but was rebuffed.
The wolf became agitated, Sir Gillum said, and he told the third pig he’d destroy his house anyway. So the wolf huffed, and puffed, and blew as hard as he could. The house didn’t budge.
“What the hell,” the wolf asked, “why didn’t it fall?”
So he huffed, and puffed again. Still nothing.
“This is bullshit,” the wolf said and he tried one last time to blow the house down. He failed yet again. Feeling quite bankrupt, the wolf heaved a heavy sigh.
“No fair,” the Big Bad Wolf said, “obviously the laws of physics are rigged against me.” The wolf ran off after the third pig told him he’d be calling the king’s knights. By the time the royal guard arrived, the wolf had long since vanished. Authorities are asking for help in tracking down the wolf and King Graham has offered a substantial reward for his capture.
This is a developing story.
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