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James Schlarmann

Comedian/Satirist/Amateur Burrito Wrangler
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Arts & Entertainment

A Bald Eagle Protecting an American Flag Reminded Me Holocaust Denier JK Rowling Can’t Sue Me

Author JK Rowling is not a fan of transgender people, that much is true. At least, she's not a fan of transgender women. For some reason, which only the billionaire Harry Potter author can tell us what that might be, she doesn't seem as obsessed...
Criminal Justice

Hillary Clinton Told Me She Has the Free Time to Be a Juror for Trump’s Trials

"...nothing would make me happier than to help make sure Donald Trump got the due process and trial he's deserved his entire life." Life is funny sometimes. If you had asked me a few years ago, hell, even a few days back, if I thought...
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U.S. Politics

McConnell Assures Public He’ll Secure 2020 Election Just as Soon as Putin Says He Can

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, perhaps feeling public pressure after leading...
MAGA News

This Weeping Man Will Pummel Your Snowflake Ass If You Make Fun of His Dear Sweet President Again!

"Leave Donald Trump alone! You hear me?! Leave my dear, sweet, cherubic, white collar...
MAGA News

Trump Campaign Manager Promises His Boss Will ‘Keep America on the White Track’

CHANCHO BANCHO CANYON, ARIZONA -- As he prepares the Donald Trump 2020 machine in...
Immigration

MAGA Supporter: “It’s Much More Betterer to Not Be Having to Press 1 to Talk American!”

COLD CAVE HILLS, TENNESSEE -- Right-wing YouTube star, podcaster, and singer/songwriter Jethro Bohiggins says...
Conservative Media

Pictures Confirm Black Hole Swallowing Charlie Kirk’s Face

Just a few months ago, scienceticians and more general sciencers among the general public...
MAGA News

Fake President Gives Speech Behind Real Presidential Seal

FARTBUCKET SPRINGS, MINNESOTA -- A man impersonating the President of the United States gave...
Criminal Justice

Mueller Can’t Believe He Forgot to Tell Congress About How Much Trump Wants to Bang His Own Daughter

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- As soon as he set foot inside his hotel room, it...
MAGA News

Gohmert Confident He Destroyed the Credibility of the Man He Says Completely Exonerated President Trump

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- This morning, Rep. Louie Gohmert, a Texas Republican, told reporters outside...
MAGA News

Women for Trump Teams Up With Chickens for McNuggets to Throw White House Campaign Fundraiser

The White House will play host to a special dinner gala celebration of the...
Food and Dining

El Presidente Trump’s Guide to Mexican Cuisine

Whether you're a guest in one of his luxurious summer concentration camps, or a...
Conservative Media

Dan Bongino Definitely Doesn’t Secretly Masturbate to Old Videos of Hillary Clinton So Stop Emailing Them to Him

The following is an op-ed written by our Editor in Chief, award winner adjacent...
History

Only 12% of Trump Supporters Can Get Through All 15 Pictures of Constitutional Checks and Balances. Can You?

Recently, researchers at the Global Online Institute of Looking Into and Verifying Things conducted...
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Arts & Entertainment

A Bald Eagle Protecting an American Flag Reminded Me Holocaust Denier JK Rowling Can’t Sue Me

Author JK Rowling is not a fan of transgender people, that much is true....
Criminal Justice

Hillary Clinton Told Me She Has the Free Time to Be a Juror for Trump’s Trials

"...nothing would make me happier than to help make sure Donald Trump got the...
Women's Rights

The State of Arizona Just Sent Me the Pink Slip for My Wife’s Uterus

"...my wife and I weren't planning any excursions through Arizona to begin with. However,...
Criminal Justice

Marjorie Taylor Greene Told Me Her New Theory: Hunter’s Dick Pics Caused New York’s Earthquakes

"...when I was researching Hunter's dick pics again last night, I noticed something I...

© James Schlarmann (All Material is Satirical)