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James Schlarmann

Comedian/Satirist/Amateur Burrito Wrangler
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Arts & Entertainment

A Bald Eagle Protecting an American Flag Reminded Me Holocaust Denier JK Rowling Can’t Sue Me

Author JK Rowling is not a fan of transgender people, that much is true. At least, she's not a fan of transgender women. For some reason, which only the billionaire Harry Potter author can tell us what that might be, she doesn't seem as obsessed...
Criminal Justice

Hillary Clinton Told Me She Has the Free Time to Be a Juror for Trump’s Trials

"...nothing would make me happier than to help make sure Donald Trump got the due process and trial he's deserved his entire life." Life is funny sometimes. If you had asked me a few years ago, hell, even a few days back, if I thought...
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Food and Dining

President Runs Out of Dipping Sauce and Declares ‘National McNugget McMergency’

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Sources within the White House are confirming that this morning, at...
MAGA News

A New York City Petition to Rename Landfill After Donald Trump Has Over 3 Million Signatures

NEW YORK, NEW YORK -- A petition making the rounds in the Big Apple...
Pew Pew!

NRA to Open Virginia “Gun Land” Amusement Park for Kids

FAIRFAX, VIRGINIA -- The National Rifle Association announced plans this week to build a...
Immigration

A Complete List of Billionaire Pedophile Illegal Immigrant Mass Shooters in the News This Week

In the last two weeks, there have been at least three high-profile mass shootings,...
World News

Greenland Asks Trump How He Can Afford to Buy Them Without a Loan from His Dad or Putin

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- This morning, our sister publication Alternative Facts, published a report that President...
MAGA News

Greenland Tells Trump They’re Not Ready to Be Run Into the Ground and Driven Into Bankruptcy Quite Yet

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The President of the United States has received an official communique...
U.S. Politics

Trump Unveils New 2020 Campaign Slogan: “Make the South Rise Again”

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Donald Trump  held a rally recently, and while the next...
MAGA News

If Re-Elected, Trump Could Tap David Duke as Secretary of Race War

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In 1947, the Department of War was closed down, and its...
World News

Trump Asks if Israel Would Like a Visit from Some “Very Fine People” from Charlottesville Instead of the Squad

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Donald Trump reached out to Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu...
MAGA News

Trump Supports Netanyahu’s Islamophobic Response to Fictional Anti-Semitism of “The Squad”

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Donald Trump has been waging a war against "The Squad"...
MAGA News

Rep. Steve King: “If Not For Incest, Would Donald Trump Have Won The Presidency?”

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Speaking to a congregation at a prayer breakfast in the nation's...
Economy

Evangelical Libertarian: “Jesus Died on the Cross to End Progressive Taxation”

HOLY OAK, VIRGINIA -- Televangelist Bill Millen makes no bones about it. He loves...
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Arts & Entertainment

A Bald Eagle Protecting an American Flag Reminded Me Holocaust Denier JK Rowling Can’t Sue Me

Author JK Rowling is not a fan of transgender people, that much is true....
Criminal Justice

Hillary Clinton Told Me She Has the Free Time to Be a Juror for Trump’s Trials

"...nothing would make me happier than to help make sure Donald Trump got the...
Women's Rights

The State of Arizona Just Sent Me the Pink Slip for My Wife’s Uterus

"...my wife and I weren't planning any excursions through Arizona to begin with. However,...
Criminal Justice

Marjorie Taylor Greene Told Me Her New Theory: Hunter’s Dick Pics Caused New York’s Earthquakes

"...when I was researching Hunter's dick pics again last night, I noticed something I...

© James Schlarmann (All Material is Satirical)