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James Schlarmann

Comedian/Satirist/Amateur Burrito Wrangler
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Arts & Entertainment

A Bald Eagle Protecting an American Flag Reminded Me Holocaust Denier JK Rowling Can’t Sue Me

Author JK Rowling is not a fan of transgender people, that much is true. At least, she's not a fan of transgender women. For some reason, which only the billionaire Harry Potter author can tell us what that might be, she doesn't seem as obsessed...
Criminal Justice

Hillary Clinton Told Me She Has the Free Time to Be a Juror for Trump’s Trials

"...nothing would make me happier than to help make sure Donald Trump got the due process and trial he's deserved his entire life." Life is funny sometimes. If you had asked me a few years ago, hell, even a few days back, if I thought...
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MAGA News

Trump Hereby Orders Every State to Change Its Name to “Alabama”

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The other 49 states in the union have exactly one week...
Pew Pew!

Dan Crenshaw: “Now the Liberals Don’t Want Me Loaning IEDs to My Friends?”

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Texas Republican Rep. Dan Crenshaw loans his guns to friends unattended....
MAGA News

White House Releases New Official Presidential Portrait

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The White House officially released a new presidential photographic portrait today....
The Democrats

Pelosi Stunned and Beside Herself at Sight of Legislators Stopping a Moron For the Good of the Country

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) is reportedly still recovering...
Business

Trump Hereby Orders WalMart to Handout Free Guns to White Rural Voters

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Donald Trump is not done ordering around American companies. Recently,...
Pew Pew!

Second Amendment Enthusiast Can’t Wait to Try Out His Penis Pump Action Shotgun

COLD CAVE HILLS, TENNESSEE -- Right-wing podcaster, YouTube star, and singer/songwriter Jethro Bohiggins has,...
Pew Pew!

WalMart Assures Americans They Can Still Make Love To Their Guns In Store Parking Lots

BENTONVILLE, ARKANSAS -- This week, WalMart's CEO shocked America when it announced it was...
Pew Pew!

Ted Cruz Offers to Lube Up and F_ _k a Gun to Show How Safe They Are

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- So far in 2019, CBS News reports that there have been...
MAGA News

Trump Claims He Never Would’ve Said Dorian Would Hit Alabama If He Knew Where Alabama Was

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- An irate President Trump shouted at reporters on the front lawn...
Pew Pew!

Pro-Gun Right-Wing Pundit: 284 Mass Shootings in 244 Days ‘Too Soon’ to Talk About Gun Control

EMPTY HOLLOW, CONNECTICUT -- This weekend, CBS News reported that by September 1st --...
Food and Dining

White Woman Already Sh***ing Pure Pumpkin Spice

The calendar has just barely turned over into September, but 35 year old Katherine...
Pew Pew!

Jesus Christ Reminds Americans Thoughts and Prayers Aren’t Made of Kevlar

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY -- This morning, the Executive Vice-President of Holy Trinity Inc....
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Arts & Entertainment

A Bald Eagle Protecting an American Flag Reminded Me Holocaust Denier JK Rowling Can’t Sue Me

Author JK Rowling is not a fan of transgender people, that much is true....
Criminal Justice

Hillary Clinton Told Me She Has the Free Time to Be a Juror for Trump’s Trials

"...nothing would make me happier than to help make sure Donald Trump got the...
Women's Rights

The State of Arizona Just Sent Me the Pink Slip for My Wife’s Uterus

"...my wife and I weren't planning any excursions through Arizona to begin with. However,...
Criminal Justice

Marjorie Taylor Greene Told Me Her New Theory: Hunter’s Dick Pics Caused New York’s Earthquakes

"...when I was researching Hunter's dick pics again last night, I noticed something I...

© James Schlarmann (All Material is Satirical)