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James Schlarmann

Comedian/Satirist/Amateur Burrito Wrangler
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Criminal Justice

Hillary Clinton Told Me She Has the Free Time to Be a Juror for Trump’s Trials

"...nothing would make me happier than to help make sure Donald Trump got the due process and trial he's deserved his entire life." Life is funny sometimes. If you had asked me a few years ago, hell, even a few days back, if I thought...
Women's Rights

The State of Arizona Just Sent Me the Pink Slip for My Wife’s Uterus

"...my wife and I weren't planning any excursions through Arizona to begin with. However, now that I'm going to be bogged down with extra paperwork if I do, I can say pretty unequivocally we likely won't be rolling through the state any time soon." You...
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Arts & Entertainment

Shane Gillis Fired From SNL But Hired by KKK

RACIST MORON VALLEY, PENNSYLVANIA -- This week, a spokesperson for Lorne Michaels, producer of...
Conservative Media

Ben Shapiro Just Really Wants to See Justice Kavanaugh’s Dick, Okay?

Dear Brett Kavanaugh, Ben Shapiro just wants to see your dick, okay? For the good...
U.S. Politics

A Former President Just Endorsed Donald Trump’s Re-Election Bid

RICHMOND, VIRGINIA -- A former American president has endorsed Donald J. Trump's re-election campaign,...
U.S. Politics

President Threatens ‘Any American’ That Doesn’t Vote for Him With Class Action Lawsuit

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Donald J. Trump is going to sue you if you...
MAGA News

Trump Says He’ll Build A Wall Around The Country Of ‘Islam’ And Make ISIS Pay For It

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- While in line at the deli just down the street from...
Arts & Entertainment

Barack Obama Buys and Renames Netflix, Releases List of Its First Three New Shows

KENYA -- Former President Barack Hussein Obama announced today that he and his wife...
MAGA News

Dick Cheney Reminds Trump Saudi Arabia Doesn’t Declare War, He Does

MUSTAFAR -- Former President Dick Cheney sent an email to President Donald Trump today,...
MAGA News

Self-Loathing, Blind, and Deaf Woman Explains Why She’s Still Voting for Donald Trump

GREENBELT, MINNESOTA -- Helen Whipplemyer is still voting for Donald J. Trump next November,...
MAGA News

Donald Trump Stump Speech Breaks Out At Klan Rally

LAKE CHINGANDOS, FLORIDA -- At a recent Klan rally in Florida, a spontaneous show...
MAGA News

Trump Offers to Make Palin Secretary of ‘Educationizing’

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Donald Trump announced today that he was creating a brand...
Business

Starbucks Asks Customers Not To Open Carry Vape Pens in Stores

SEATTLE, WASHINGSTONED -- Coffee retailer Starbucks is joining a growing list of businesses that...
MAGA News

DeVos Orders Schools to Run Active Vaper Drills

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- All around the country, schools will begin to hold new drills...
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Latest articles

Criminal Justice

Hillary Clinton Told Me She Has the Free Time to Be a Juror for Trump’s Trials

"...nothing would make me happier than to help make sure Donald Trump got the...
Women's Rights

The State of Arizona Just Sent Me the Pink Slip for My Wife’s Uterus

"...my wife and I weren't planning any excursions through Arizona to begin with. However,...
Criminal Justice

Marjorie Taylor Greene Told Me Her New Theory: Hunter’s Dick Pics Caused New York’s Earthquakes

"...when I was researching Hunter's dick pics again last night, I noticed something I...
Lifestyle

Because of DEI, My Black Friends Don’t Like My Confederate Flag Collection No More

The following editorial was written by right-wing podcaster and singer/songwriter Jethro Q. Bohiggins. The...

© James Schlarmann (All Material is Satirical)