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James Schlarmann

Comedian/Satirist/Amateur Burrito Wrangler
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Tech

You Can’t Call Me an “Incel” If I Fuck My Cybertruck

The following editorial was written and submitted by right-wing author and 2020 Trump Campaign spokesperson Dustin Pewpsin, who also served as Elon Musk's personal testicular polishing assistant from 2021-2022. The opinions expressed herein are only those of Mr. Pewpsin, and not of this outlet,...
Arts & Entertainment

A Bald Eagle Protecting an American Flag Reminded Me Holocaust Denier JK Rowling Can’t Sue Me

Author JK Rowling is not a fan of transgender people, that much is true. At least, she's not a fan of transgender women. For some reason, which only the billionaire Harry Potter author can tell us what that might be, she doesn't seem as obsessed...
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U.S. Politics

Dear Grandpa and Mom: When Are You Two Going to Stop Fighting?

The following is an open letter submitted to this publication anonymously. We are reprinting...
Criminal Justice

Trump Invokes “Epstein Loyalty Oath” and Lands Dershowitz for His Impeachment Defense Team

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Donald J. Trump added two very high-profile attorneys to his...
Arts & Entertainment

Key Figures in Trump Ukraine Scandal Cast in Reboot of Classic American Movie

HOLLYWOO, CALIFORNIA -- During an investor call this morning, the Executive Director of Creative...
MAGA News

Law Offices of Hannity, Limbaugh, & Bongino, LLP Offers Its Services to White House for Impeachment Trial

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The articles of impeachment against President Donald J. Trump have been,...
Business

Trump Urges Ivanka “Get Into the Scented Candle Thing” Too

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Never someone to pass up a good marketing tie-in, President Donald...
MAGA News

Trump: “They Better Call The Witnesses Who Can Exonerate Me and Who I’m Forbidding to Testify!”

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- An angry President Trump lashed out at Congressional Democrats, farting wildly...
History

Smithsonian Publishes Notes From Constitutional Convention Debate Over Presidents Ordering Goons to Stalk Ambassadors

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In response to new, explosive evidence released by House Democrats just...
Arts & Entertainment

Friends Say Now They Understand Why Vince Vaughn’s Hands Smell Like He Doesn’t Use Toilet Paper to Wipe

Friends of alleged actor Vince Vaughn are telling various media outlets this week that...
Science & Medicine

Local Knuckle Dragging Moron Mocks Girl Ten Times Smarter and Accomplished Than He’ll Ever Be

COLD CAVE HILLS, TENNESSEE -- Right-wing podcaster and singer/writer Jethro Bohiggins defended President Trump...
MAGA News

Bill Barr Pretty Sure Trump Can Order Anyone Killed Any Time, In Any Place, and For Any Reason At All

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The Attorney General of the United States of America told reporters...
U.S. Politics

POLL: Most Americans Hope Sanders and Warren Fans Remember How God Awful Trump Is

A new poll released this morning shows that the overwhelming majority of Americans aren't...
Economy

This 77 Year Old Tortoise Has F_ _ked the Working Class So Much It’s On The Brink of Extinction

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Down in Ecuador, a centenarian Galapagos tortoise named "Diego" is being...
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Tech

You Can’t Call Me an “Incel” If I Fuck My Cybertruck

The following editorial was written and submitted by right-wing author and 2020 Trump Campaign...
Arts & Entertainment

A Bald Eagle Protecting an American Flag Reminded Me Holocaust Denier JK Rowling Can’t Sue Me

Author JK Rowling is not a fan of transgender people, that much is true....
Criminal Justice

Hillary Clinton Told Me She Has the Free Time to Be a Juror for Trump’s Trials

"...nothing would make me happier than to help make sure Donald Trump got the...
Women's Rights

The State of Arizona Just Sent Me the Pink Slip for My Wife’s Uterus

"...my wife and I weren't planning any excursions through Arizona to begin with. However,...

© James Schlarmann (All Material is Satirical)