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James Schlarmann

Comedian/Satirist/Amateur Burrito Wrangler
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Tech

You Can’t Call Me an “Incel” If I Fuck My Cybertruck

The following editorial was written and submitted by right-wing author and 2020 Trump Campaign spokesperson Dustin Pewpsin, who also served as Elon Musk's personal testicular polishing assistant from 2021-2022. The opinions expressed herein are only those of Mr. Pewpsin, and not of this outlet,...
Arts & Entertainment

A Bald Eagle Protecting an American Flag Reminded Me Holocaust Denier JK Rowling Can’t Sue Me

Author JK Rowling is not a fan of transgender people, that much is true. At least, she's not a fan of transgender women. For some reason, which only the billionaire Harry Potter author can tell us what that might be, she doesn't seem as obsessed...
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Religion

Mike Pence Listening to Low-Volume Porn on Headphones But Tells Mother It’s ASMR

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- He doesn't like to do it; in fact, he loathes it...
The Democrats

Five Humans and Two Billionaires Hold Two Hour Shouting Match

SOUTH CAROLINA -- Last night, five human beings and two billionaires held a two-hour...
Arts & Entertainment

Incoming Disney CEO Reaffirms Company’s Committment to Executive Bonuses and Homeless Park Employees

ANASLIME, CALIFORNIA -- Today, Disney announced that Bob Iger would be stepping down as...
MAGA News

President Promises TrumpCare Will ‘Absolutely Cover Non-Existing Conditions’

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Donald Trump appears to be already jockeying for position in...
Lifestyle

Man Kicking Himself for Missing the Perfect Opportunity to Kill Himself

VALLE DE INÚTIL, CALIFORNIA -- Looking back on it now, Jake Masterson is pretty...
MAGA News

Trump Administration Tells Americans Coronavirus Would Have Been Stopped By Trump’s Wall

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Donald Trump's presidential administration told reporters today that while they don't...
MAGA News

Sotomayor and Ginsburg Suggest Trump Should Recuse Himself From All Cases Involving America

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Throughout his presidency, President Donald Trump has tried to maintain an...
Economy

Jesus: “It’s Cute When Christians Think Bernie’s Too Socialist”

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY -- This morning during a heavenly press conference, Jesus Hubert...
Business

Musk Invests $10 Million in New Water Pipe Company

SWILLY CORN VALLEY, CALIFORNIA -- Last year, Elon Musk made headlines when he appeared...
The Democrats

Ghost of FDR Worries Fellow Socialist Sanders May Only Be Elected to Two Terms

The ghost of Franklin D. Roosevelt, former President of the United States held a...
Business

Trump Offers to Run the Real Taj Mahal Into Bankruptcy

INDIA -- President Donald Trump is in India for a couple of days this...
The Democrats

Can a Candidate Win the General Election If They’re Enormously Popular and Keep Winning Primaries?

With less than nine months to go until the general election in November, the...
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Latest articles

Tech

You Can’t Call Me an “Incel” If I Fuck My Cybertruck

The following editorial was written and submitted by right-wing author and 2020 Trump Campaign...
Arts & Entertainment

A Bald Eagle Protecting an American Flag Reminded Me Holocaust Denier JK Rowling Can’t Sue Me

Author JK Rowling is not a fan of transgender people, that much is true....
Criminal Justice

Hillary Clinton Told Me She Has the Free Time to Be a Juror for Trump’s Trials

"...nothing would make me happier than to help make sure Donald Trump got the...
Women's Rights

The State of Arizona Just Sent Me the Pink Slip for My Wife’s Uterus

"...my wife and I weren't planning any excursions through Arizona to begin with. However,...

© James Schlarmann (All Material is Satirical)