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James Schlarmann

Comedian/Satirist/Amateur Burrito Wrangler
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Tech

You Can’t Call Me an “Incel” If I Fuck My Cybertruck

The following editorial was written and submitted by right-wing author and 2020 Trump Campaign spokesperson Dustin Pewpsin, who also served as Elon Musk's personal testicular polishing assistant from 2021-2022. The opinions expressed herein are only those of Mr. Pewpsin, and not of this outlet,...
Arts & Entertainment

A Bald Eagle Protecting an American Flag Reminded Me Holocaust Denier JK Rowling Can’t Sue Me

Author JK Rowling is not a fan of transgender people, that much is true. At least, she's not a fan of transgender women. For some reason, which only the billionaire Harry Potter author can tell us what that might be, she doesn't seem as obsessed...
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U.S. Politics

She Didn’t Want to Be a Bernie Bro, She Was Just 22 and Liked Policies That Made Her Future Brighter

Kirsten Tomjanovich is a Bernie Bro. Yes, she's biologically a female, and identifies as...
MAGA News

Trump Awards Tiger Woods Presidential Medal of Adultery

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Last year, President Donald Trump gave golf champion Tiger Woods a...
MAGA News

Trump: Space Force Converting the Moon Into a Death Star

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Having consolidated his power after the Battle of Mueller, once Supreme...
Science & Medicine

CDC Issues Guidelines for Safe Handjobs During Coronavirus Outbreak

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The Centers for Disease Control issued a new set of guidelines...
Science & Medicine

Coronavirus Update: CDC Strongly Urges People to Stop Licking Each Other’s Nostrils

WASHINGTON, D.C -- The Centers for Disease Control have issued a strong advisory warning...
U.S. Politics

Bloomberg Grateful for Chance to Spend Fortune on Campaign Rather Than Helping Poor People Eat

NEW YORK, NEW YORK -- With Super Tuesday in the books, the race for...
U.S. Politics

Man: “You’re Voting for the Wrong Person You Fucking Idiot”

The following is an editorial opinion piece written by Dick Whistler, a local man...
Women's Rights

We Interviewed a 2-Month Old Fetus and Got Its Feelings on Abortion

In 1973, the United States Supreme Court ruled in Roe vs. Wade that the...
U.S. Politics

Man Wonders What Would Happen If Everyone Who Said Sanders Can’t Win Voted Blue No Matter Who

FT. MODERATION, IDAHO-- Tyler Pessimistanto is a 38 year old American voter, and a...
MAGA News

Disappointed Eric Trump Didn’t Spot Batman or Spider-Man on Super Tuesday

NEW YORK, NEW YORK -- Eric Trump, son of President Donald Trump, told friends...
Lifestyle

Woman Wishes Husband Would Have Told Her What an Asshole He Is Before She Made Kids With Him

MEADOWBURGH, MICHIGAN -- If she would have known 15 years ago that her husband...
U.S. Politics

GOP Strategist Backed Sarah Palin and Knows Exactly Who Democrats Should Nominate Against Trump

LAKE HARTSMELLIN, FLORIDA -- In his sleepy Florida hometown, Republican Strategist Mick Axton fires...
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Tech

You Can’t Call Me an “Incel” If I Fuck My Cybertruck

The following editorial was written and submitted by right-wing author and 2020 Trump Campaign...
Arts & Entertainment

A Bald Eagle Protecting an American Flag Reminded Me Holocaust Denier JK Rowling Can’t Sue Me

Author JK Rowling is not a fan of transgender people, that much is true....
Criminal Justice

Hillary Clinton Told Me She Has the Free Time to Be a Juror for Trump’s Trials

"...nothing would make me happier than to help make sure Donald Trump got the...
Women's Rights

The State of Arizona Just Sent Me the Pink Slip for My Wife’s Uterus

"...my wife and I weren't planning any excursions through Arizona to begin with. However,...

© James Schlarmann (All Material is Satirical)