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James Schlarmann

Comedian/Satirist/Amateur Burrito Wrangler
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Criminal Justice

Hillary Clinton Told Me She Has the Free Time to Be a Juror for Trump’s Trials

"...nothing would make me happier than to help make sure Donald Trump got the due process and trial he's deserved his entire life." Life is funny sometimes. If you had asked me a few years ago, hell, even a few days back, if I thought...
Women's Rights

The State of Arizona Just Sent Me the Pink Slip for My Wife’s Uterus

"...my wife and I weren't planning any excursions through Arizona to begin with. However, now that I'm going to be bogged down with extra paperwork if I do, I can say pretty unequivocally we likely won't be rolling through the state any time soon." You...
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MAGA News

CDC Wants Trump Supporters to Stop Sharing Hoods

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In what has been one of the busiest and most critical...
MAGA News

Trump Campaign Suspends Future Klan Rallies Out of Coronavirus Concerns

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Donald Trump's re-election campaign has announced it is suspending all...
Science & Medicine

Local Woman Totally Judging What’s In Your Coronavirus Quarantine Preparation Shopping Cart

BECKY FALLS, MINNESOTA -- 43-year old Christina "Christy" Tomjanovich is judging the ever loving...
Women's Rights

Town Shocked When Man Does Not Tell Women What to Do With Their Vaginae

A man in a small town decides he has too much to do to worry about all the vaginae in the land, and declines to have an opinion on abortion.
Science & Medicine

CDC Suggests Couples Start Using “Just the Tip”

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In order to help minimize the spread of the novel coronavirus,...
MAGA News

Trump Asks Ukraine to Investigate Coronavirus for Corruption

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Donald Trump has called the President of Ukraine over the...
Science & Medicine

CDC Recommends Washing Hands For At Least As Long As It Takes For You To Masturbate

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The Centers for Disease Control have issued a fresh new set...
MAGA News

Trump Warns His Enemies Not To Interfere In 2020 Election By Voting For The Democrat

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Though there are still several months left before the primary season...
MAGA News

Trump Tests Negative for Coronavirus, But Positive for Dumbfuck Flu

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Though he delayed being tested for over a week after being...
MAGA News

2020 Polls: Coronavirus Beating Trump in Head-to-Head Matchup

In news that might upset the commander in chief, newly released polling suggests a...
Women's Rights

Alabama ‘Looking Into’ Prosecuting God for Miscarriages

LAKE SACDEDOUCHE, ALABAMA -- Alabama's governor has reportedly ordered her state's Attorney General to...
MAGA News

Poll: 70% of Americans Believe Trump Should Self-Quarantine in Hole Six Feet Underground

The results of a new poll, released just today, indicate that seven out of...
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Latest articles

Criminal Justice

Hillary Clinton Told Me She Has the Free Time to Be a Juror for Trump’s Trials

"...nothing would make me happier than to help make sure Donald Trump got the...
Women's Rights

The State of Arizona Just Sent Me the Pink Slip for My Wife’s Uterus

"...my wife and I weren't planning any excursions through Arizona to begin with. However,...
Criminal Justice

Marjorie Taylor Greene Told Me Her New Theory: Hunter’s Dick Pics Caused New York’s Earthquakes

"...when I was researching Hunter's dick pics again last night, I noticed something I...
Lifestyle

Because of DEI, My Black Friends Don’t Like My Confederate Flag Collection No More

The following editorial was written by right-wing podcaster and singer/songwriter Jethro Q. Bohiggins. The...

© James Schlarmann (All Material is Satirical)