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James Schlarmann

Comedian/Satirist/Amateur Burrito Wrangler
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Tech

You Can’t Call Me an “Incel” If I Fuck My Cybertruck

The following editorial was written and submitted by right-wing author and 2020 Trump Campaign spokesperson Dustin Pewpsin, who also served as Elon Musk's personal testicular polishing assistant from 2021-2022. The opinions expressed herein are only those of Mr. Pewpsin, and not of this outlet,...
Arts & Entertainment

A Bald Eagle Protecting an American Flag Reminded Me Holocaust Denier JK Rowling Can’t Sue Me

Author JK Rowling is not a fan of transgender people, that much is true. At least, she's not a fan of transgender women. For some reason, which only the billionaire Harry Potter author can tell us what that might be, she doesn't seem as obsessed...
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Business

Trump Calls Continued Wall Street Coronavirus Bailouts ‘Free Market Socialism’

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- At publication, the Dow Jones Industrial Average was up just over...
Science & Medicine

WHO Strongly Cautions Against Human Centipedes of More Than 7 People

GENEVA, SWITZERLAND -- The World Health Organization issued an urgent advisory to all human...
Science & Medicine

CDC Reminder: Also Sanitize Your Butt Plugs When There’s No Pandemic

ATLANTA, GEORGIA --Authorities at the Centers for Disease Control have issued a new statement...
Arts & Entertainment

Officials Fear Major Canadian Comedian Import Deficit If Northern Border Remains Closed

HOLLYWOO, CALIFORNIA -- If the border between the United States and Canada remains closed...
Business

Local Gym Owner Confident His COVID-19 Email Just Made All the Difference

SPAMM MOUNTAIN, WASHINGTON -- As he closed down his laptop for the day yesterday,...
Science & Medicine

Local Perv Weighs Risk of Breaking Coronavirus Quarantine to Watch You Shower Anyway

LA VALLE SIN ROPA, CALIFORNIA -- Nate Robertson is a 45 year old self-described...
MAGA News

Eric Trump Caught Trying to Cheat Off Brother’s Coronavirus Test

NEW YORK, NEW YORK -- Sources close to the situation are reporting that Eric...
Economy

Big Time Wall Street Asshole Really Lovin’ That Socialism (and Cocaine) Now, Mothafuckas!

NEW YORK, NEW YORK -- "You know what," Will Palumbozo asked our reporter over...
Science & Medicine

7 Fun Ways to Avoid Selling Your Kids to the Circus During Their School’s Coronavirus Quarantine

All across the country, schools are closing down in order to slow the rate...
Sports

Houston Astros in Talks to Sign Tom Brady

HOUSTON, TEXASS -- Major League Baseball's Houston Astros have reportedly reached out to the...
MAGA News

Devin Nunes Accuses Hillary Clinton of Emailing Coronavirus to World and Then Deleting It

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Congressman Devin Nunes stepped out from underneath the testicular region of...
MAGA News

Trump Says President of Puerto Rico Was Wrong to Call Coronavirus a ‘Hoax’

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Yesterday, a somber President Donald Trump implored the American people to...
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Latest articles

Tech

You Can’t Call Me an “Incel” If I Fuck My Cybertruck

The following editorial was written and submitted by right-wing author and 2020 Trump Campaign...
Arts & Entertainment

A Bald Eagle Protecting an American Flag Reminded Me Holocaust Denier JK Rowling Can’t Sue Me

Author JK Rowling is not a fan of transgender people, that much is true....
Criminal Justice

Hillary Clinton Told Me She Has the Free Time to Be a Juror for Trump’s Trials

"...nothing would make me happier than to help make sure Donald Trump got the...
Women's Rights

The State of Arizona Just Sent Me the Pink Slip for My Wife’s Uterus

"...my wife and I weren't planning any excursions through Arizona to begin with. However,...

© James Schlarmann (All Material is Satirical)