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James Schlarmann

Comedian/Satirist/Amateur Burrito Wrangler
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Tech

You Can’t Call Me an “Incel” If I Fuck My Cybertruck

The following editorial was written and submitted by right-wing author and 2020 Trump Campaign spokesperson Dustin Pewpsin, who also served as Elon Musk's personal testicular polishing assistant from 2021-2022. The opinions expressed herein are only those of Mr. Pewpsin, and not of this outlet,...
Arts & Entertainment

A Bald Eagle Protecting an American Flag Reminded Me Holocaust Denier JK Rowling Can’t Sue Me

Author JK Rowling is not a fan of transgender people, that much is true. At least, she's not a fan of transgender women. For some reason, which only the billionaire Harry Potter author can tell us what that might be, she doesn't seem as obsessed...
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Economy

President Says Special Kool-Aid Will Protect Americans Returning to Work Without COVID-19 Vaccine

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- It's not a secret that President Trump and many of his...
Conservative Media

Lahren: “All Lives Matter Except When You Need to Die for The Economy”

VAPID ATTENTION WHORE, CALIFORNIA -- Fox News contributing racist Tabitha Lahren said during a...
Science & Medicine

5 Signs You’re Oppressed and Not Just Being Asked to Skip Sunbathing So Humanity Survives a Pandemic

As the nation, and indeed the planet, attempts to grapple with how to recover...
MAGA News

President Promises Americans ‘The Trump Steak of Coronavirus Vaccines’

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Donald J. Trump told the American people today that they...
MAGA News

Trump University Med School Invents Breakthrough COVID-19 Vaccine Made From “Serpentine Grease”

NEW YORK, NEW YORK -- The entire country, indeed the entire world's population, is...
Science & Medicine

ISIS Claims Responsibility for Coronavirus Quarantine Protests

UNDISCLOSED LOCATION -- The terrorist organization known as ISIS has released a new video...
MAGA News

Trump Pledges 10,000 Flotation Devices to ‘Help the Mexicans Survive’ Cinco de Mayo

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- A perhaps confused President Trump began his day this morning by...
Arts & Entertainment

Trump Calls William Shatner to Wish Him Happy May The 4th

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Today, fans of the iconic film franchise Star Wars are celebrating the legacy...
Food and Dining

Local Militia Group Preparing to Liberate Chick-Fil-A Dining Room From Coronavirus Lockdown

SISTER BANGER, KENTUCKY -- They don't know exactly when, but the members of Kentucky's...
MAGA News

Lincoln’s Ghost Offers to Take Trump on Tour of Ford’s Theater

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- When President Donald J. Trump told Fox News host Martha MacCallum...
MAGA News

Trump Promises to Defeat the Coronavirus With the Electoral College

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Donald J. Trump has vowed on multiple occasions to lead...
Business

Armed Protesters Demand Their Right to Domestic Terrorism for Haircuts

DERP CITY, MICHIGAN -- Dozens of armed mouth-breathers stormed a local government office this...
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Tech

You Can’t Call Me an “Incel” If I Fuck My Cybertruck

The following editorial was written and submitted by right-wing author and 2020 Trump Campaign...
Arts & Entertainment

A Bald Eagle Protecting an American Flag Reminded Me Holocaust Denier JK Rowling Can’t Sue Me

Author JK Rowling is not a fan of transgender people, that much is true....
Criminal Justice

Hillary Clinton Told Me She Has the Free Time to Be a Juror for Trump’s Trials

"...nothing would make me happier than to help make sure Donald Trump got the...
Women's Rights

The State of Arizona Just Sent Me the Pink Slip for My Wife’s Uterus

"...my wife and I weren't planning any excursions through Arizona to begin with. However,...

© James Schlarmann (All Material is Satirical)