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James Schlarmann

Comedian/Satirist/Amateur Burrito Wrangler
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Tech

You Can’t Call Me an “Incel” If I Fuck My Cybertruck

The following editorial was written and submitted by right-wing author and 2020 Trump Campaign spokesperson Dustin Pewpsin, who also served as Elon Musk's personal testicular polishing assistant from 2021-2022. The opinions expressed herein are only those of Mr. Pewpsin, and not of this outlet,...
Arts & Entertainment

A Bald Eagle Protecting an American Flag Reminded Me Holocaust Denier JK Rowling Can’t Sue Me

Author JK Rowling is not a fan of transgender people, that much is true. At least, she's not a fan of transgender women. For some reason, which only the billionaire Harry Potter author can tell us what that might be, she doesn't seem as obsessed...
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Conservative Media

Through Tears of Joy, Lung Cancer Tells Radio Audience Its Stage 4 Limbaugh Infection Has ‘Almost Run Its Course’

CHINGADERO GORDO, FLORIDA -- Fighting through tears of joy, Lung Cancer told its radio...
MAGA News

Biden Promises He’ll Hold a Big Ceremony to Hang Trump’s Presidential Mugshot

WEST HAMPTON, OHIO -- This morning, Democratic presidential nominee Joe Biden made a campaign...
U.S. Politics

Trump Complains Debate Moderator Will Ask Questions About His Real Record Instead of His Imaginary One

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The President of the United States of America is the most...
Science & Medicine

Dr. Dre Fauci Suggests Trump May Want to Have Himself Tested for ‘Punkassbitchitis’

Fauci's gangster alter ego is taking no shit from nobody.
MAGA News

Trump Pre-Declares Premature Victory

"That is a really terrible, ridiculous thing to ask me, and frankly you should be in prison for even thinking you have the right to speak to me that way."
MAGA News

Ratcliffe: “Putin Has Assured Me Hunter Biden’s Laptop Isn’t Russian Disinformation”

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- This morning former Congressman John Ratcliffe, Director of National Intelligence, told...
Conservative Media

Trump Tweets ‘Hilarious’ Babylon Bee Article That Uses The N-Word 735 Times “Satirically”

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- At the time of publication, the White House has indicated President...
MAGA News

Lindsey Graham Spotted Rushing to White House With UV Light and Colonoscopy Hose

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The frantic, urgent exclamations could be heard throughout the Hill this...
MAGA News

Ivanka: “How Come Debates Are the Only Things Daddy Can Pull Out Of?”

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The Actual First Lady was, according to several sources close to...
MAGA News

Pence Just Realized Sucking Trump Off So Much Cost Him Valuable Talking Time During Debate

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- A pink-eyed, exasperated Vice President High Priest Mike Pence was so...
MAGA News

World’s Toughest, Strongest Alpha Male Chickens Out of Second Debate With Biden

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- This morning, the presidential debate commission announced that out of an...
U.S. Politics

Senate Republicans Fear Dems Will Smear Amy Coney Barrett With Her Own Actions, Words, and Religious Beliefs

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Next week, the Senate Judiciary Committee, under chairmanship from Sen. Lindsey...
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Tech

You Can’t Call Me an “Incel” If I Fuck My Cybertruck

The following editorial was written and submitted by right-wing author and 2020 Trump Campaign...
Arts & Entertainment

A Bald Eagle Protecting an American Flag Reminded Me Holocaust Denier JK Rowling Can’t Sue Me

Author JK Rowling is not a fan of transgender people, that much is true....
Criminal Justice

Hillary Clinton Told Me She Has the Free Time to Be a Juror for Trump’s Trials

"...nothing would make me happier than to help make sure Donald Trump got the...
Women's Rights

The State of Arizona Just Sent Me the Pink Slip for My Wife’s Uterus

"...my wife and I weren't planning any excursions through Arizona to begin with. However,...

© James Schlarmann (All Material is Satirical)