Attorney General Sessions Announces Special Counsel Investigation Into Black Friday

"A day which is obviously just an excuse for the black folk across the country to attempt a coup."

WASHINGTON, D.C. — At the Department of Justice this morning, Attorney General Jeff Sessions announced that the DOJ will launch an official investigation into Black Friday, a term given to the day following Thanksgiving which serves the traditional purpose  of marking the first day of the Christmas shopping period.

Speaking to reporters today, Mr Sessions said that the day, which this year will take place next Friday, November 24th, “needs to be investigated as a matter of urgency.”

“What we really need in this country is justice,” the Attorney General explained. “We also need to create a really big distraction away from the Russia investigation and the actions of Roy Moore, the Republican candidate in the upcoming special election race in Alabama for my former Senate seat — It is for these reasons that I announce today that the Justice department will be conducting a formal investigation into so called ‘Black Friday’, a day which is obviously just an excuse for the black folk across the country to attempt a coup on our institutions of power.”

When asked by a reporter if he knew that Black Friday was actually just a major shopping event, Mr. Sessions replied, “I am not able to recall that. But clearly this day is a bad thing. If  Black Friday was a good day then it would be called White Friday. White is the color of good things, like snow, we all like Christmas snow. Jesus was also white, as was the Lord God himself, the President has said he can confirm this, he is after all good friends with both of them.”

As another reporter began to bring up Black Friday on Google in order to help the Attorney General understand, Mr Sessions then reached to the floor to lift up a cage containing a live raccoon before explaining, “This is Raco the raccoon, he is my greatest friend and there is no one I trust more. For this reason, I am appointing Raco as the Special Counsel to lead this investigation that the American people so badly need.”

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